当你在进步而朋友原地不动时

转载 2011年01月24日 19:08:00

刚好看到一位读者在 “Having Your Own Ethics is Lonely” 这篇文章上的评论。他问了一个在成功路上最困难的问题 —— 当你在发展进步、而你的朋友原地不动,这会发生什么?

我在寻找一些建议指导,所以我找到了这个博客。四年前我就感觉到不快乐。我生活平困,没有出路。我决定认真反省一下我的生活,决定要改掉一些坏习惯,去培养一些好习惯。我还找了一份兼职来增加收入,自愿的选择一种相对清贫的生活方式。情况发展的非常好!我经济开始好转,我有了能力去学习我想学的东西。我比以前更加健康更有能力了。我想我知道上帝是什么,我每天都在进步。但是,我不再和我的一些老朋友联系,因为我不再想和他们一起做那些我如今不想做的事情了,他们不在乎对自己是否有益。某种程度上,坦白的说,他们不再对我有用。我更愿意和那些我敬仰和尊敬的人交朋友。我不愿意对他们说我心底里认为他们都是不怎样的人。他们没有做任何伤害我的事情,但是我不再希望和他们在一起。这种事情你怎么想?

  毫无疑问,这是成功路上最难解决的一个问题。

  大部分的人们在建立了相互关系后都不愿意去改变这种状态。但如果你在快速的发展进步,这会造成不平衡,疏离老朋友,造成朋友关系破裂。

  也许这最糟糕的时刻是当你在进步中但还不稳定时。我记得有一次,我制订了一个巨大的健康计划。大量的健身房减肥运动,彻底的健康的节食。但是我的一个兄弟,当我们在一起时他总是吃一些垃圾食品。匹萨,鸡翅,汉堡和油炸食物等。

  我们过去在一起会做很多事情。要么逛街,要么玩游戏机,要求去酒吧,要么去最便宜的小饭馆吃饭。我们会点匹萨和啤酒,或鸡翅和啤酒,或汉堡和油炸食品,就像这样。

  那时我的大部分朋友都十分的健康,我经常和一些运动员,健身爱好者,还有击剑运动者一起出去玩(我当时是个击剑爱好者)。唯独和这个特殊的朋友在一起时我们会找一些小啤酒馆和一些匹萨,或者玩街机。

  说老实话,我从来没有真正回答过这个问题。我还是和他一起去玩,当他在时我的节食计划会暂停。可最终我还是去了其它的城市,人在通过这种方式对自己进行分类。现在我们有时相互探访,这已经不是个大问题了,因为好习惯已经养成。但是当你第一次去试图培养好习惯时,你可能会被动摇,是的,有点难。

  我过去非常喜欢打扑克,而打的很好。很多朋友都是我的牌友。某时期我不再玩牌(我应该找个时间好好写写这个故事…).

  总之,当我不再玩牌,我失掉了很多牌友。不是特意的,但这些朋友在空闲时间里仍然玩牌,而我却不是。我不断的受到邀请,但总是让他们失望,慢慢的,我们之间产生了距离。事情就这样,很自然的发生了。

  我跟很多人讨论过这个问题。基本上,可以得出这样的结论。

  1. 你在生活的某些方面得到很大的进步。
  2. 极少数人愿意和你一起进步。这个比例大概少于1%。也许你的朋友中找不出一个这样的,如果有一个,那你是幸运的。
  3. 另外一小部分人仍然和你很好,敬仰你,一切会跟以前一样的好。这种人估计会占到10-20%。
  4. 有一部分人会自然的离你而去。
  5. 剩下这部分人和你的关系会变的很别扭。

  如果你没有经历过这样一个短期里大幅进步提高的阶段,你可能理解不了这些。这听起来、感觉起来让人很沮丧。可是当你看那些成功人士时,你会发现这是他们逃避不掉的一劫。当你的朋友进步发展很快时,你的感觉就会是很复杂的。

  当然,并不是所有的都是这样。在一些罕见情况中,也会有一两个朋友跟上你的步伐和你一起进步。一些朋友会跟你保持很好的关系,忠诚于你们的友谊。但很多你的朋友会在当你进步时感到不适应。就好象是,这会打击他们的自尊心。他们知道你和他们有相同的背景,跟他们相似的性格,但你却在进步成功。他们也可以,但他们却没有 … 所以,从某种方面来说,你的进步对他们来说成为一种侮辱。这让他们感觉很不舒服,和你在一起时显的沮丧。

  事实就是这样,不论你做了什么,不论你做的如何的得体、和气。如果你还跟以前表现的一样,他们会认为你虚伪。如果你表现的有所不同,他们会认为你已经脱离团体。

  并不是所有人都这样。有些朋友仍会和你很好,永远是你忠实的朋友。但很多人都会这样。

  我知道如果这种事情从来没在你身上发生过,你会对此感到很奇怪,但这确实是种常见现象,我已经见过不少,而且从很多成功人士那里求证证实过。

  那么,现在该怎么办呢?

  其实,如果是你正在取得了一定的成就、赢得了一个好名声,这时你遇到的朋友会保持对你现在的印象,以后会一直支持你。

  你要学会不停的创造这种机会,善待他人,另一方面,尽可能的接触各种不同的人,看看究竟什么样的关系是最终会被淘汰的。

  我四处对人说“给我提要求,我会尽我的努力”,因为正是这样我才遇到了几个最好的朋友。当你对人好时,90%的人不会真正的察觉到,9%的人会以理相报,但仅此而已。但剩下1%的可能最终和你发展成难以置信的好朋友关系、或成为同事或合作者。

  这1%让一切都变的值得 … 获得巨大的友谊、和志同道合的人一起讨论问题,这比什么都值。这并不是只从适用主义考虑 —— 我指的是,从任何层面考虑,这都是非常值得的。

  所以,我建议你慷慨的去帮助别人,给人提供帮助,让你对他们有用。

  这样一来你主动交结一些朋友也会变的更容易。你也可以考虑做一些公共作业,就像我现在写这篇文章一样。我回复和反馈读者,努力从人们那里得到好的印象,这样人们愿意接触我。不管怎么说,没有任何基础的和人们交流是再糟糕不过的一件事了。很显然,多做自我介绍很管用,但这有一个鸡和蛋的问题。同时,你也应该考虑拥有一些公共平台,这样当人们接触你时会让他们眼睛一亮。

  最后的思考 —— 我不会谴责这种事情,我知道你在想什么。但大多数正常的人都会有想法。这句话 —— “可是,我没法再和老朋友接触,因为我不再想参与他们所做的事情、成为他们中的一员,他们根本不在乎对他们自己的进步是否有益。某种程度上,这话有点直白,他们不再对我有用” —— 你可能永远不愿意说这样的话。

  我们没有必要按这种方式思考这个问题。也许并不为过,但没必要也不合适。如果你在这样想,你也要用一种得体的方法说出来。你绝对,绝对,绝对不能只想着“有用没用”形式上的朋友关系,就像我的另一篇文章 —— ”How to Avoid Exchange-Based Relationships。”

  寻找有共同目标,共同爱好的朋友再正常、自然、正确不过了。但不要只想着这个人是否“有用” —— 如果心里抱着这种思想,人们之间会产生不信任。我在马来西亚旅游时遇到一些朋友,我们只是一起游玩一起探险。他们不是那种很有野心的世界征服者 —— 他们只是一群不错的友善的很好的人。我们一起玩,联系,这感觉很好。

  我有时惊讶于要和一些没有丝毫相同背景的人见面,可是后来我们竟然在某些新目标上找到了共同的话题。我理解,就好象如果你戒烟戒酒了,你就会尽力减少和你那些喜欢泡酒吧的朋友们一起相处的时间。(以后,当你戒掉之后,你可以考虑在和他们恢复联系)

  我并不喜欢专门寻觅一些有志向,不停的进步的朋友。在这个世界上很多的人都没有野心,没有很高的成就,但他们却是真正的友善正直的人。这些人很值得你去认识,也许你应该调整一下关于朋友的标准。对那些只有破坏性没有建设性的朋友关系绝对的要放弃,但你也不要把朋友标准的门槛设的太高、以免失去了很多应成为朋友的人。

  衷心的祝福你们,同时感谢提出了一个这么好的问题。

 

On Improving When Your Friends Aren’t

Just got a comment on “Having Your Own Ethics is Lonely” by a reader. He asked one of the hardest questions about becoming successful – what happens when you’re improving when your friends aren’t?

I found this blog because I’m looking for advice. I’ve realized four years ago that I was unhappy with myself. I lived a poor, and dead end life. So I decided to look closely at my lifestyle and eliminate some bad habits and replace them with good ones. I also got a second job to make more money, and lived in relative poverty by choice. And it worked! I’m healthy financially and I’ve gotten a chance to learn anything I’ve wanted to know. I’m strong and smarter than I used to be. I think I know what God is, and everyday I work to be better than the day before. But, I can’t connect with my old friends because they do all the things I dont want to be a part of any more, because they dont care to do well for themselves as much. In a way, to put it bluntly, they’re not usefull to me. I’d rather make friends with people I truely admire and respect. I dont feel like I can tell them that I basically think they’re bad people. They’ve done nothing to harm me personally, but I want nothing to do with them. What do you think?

Indeed, that’s one of the hardest parts about becoming successful.

 

Most people don’t like to change after they get established. If you improve quickly, it can upset and turn off old friends and cause breaks in friendship.

 

Perhaps the worst time is when you’re still on a shaky ground with your old improvement. I remember one time, I was going through a super healthy kick. Lots of gym, weights, very clean and healthy diet. But with one of my buddies, we always ate junk food together when we got together. Pizza, chicken wings, burgers and fries, stuff like that.

 

That was pretty much what we’d do. We’d either hang out and play video games, or we’d go to a bar, or we’d go to a cheap greasy spoon type diner. We’d have some pizza and beer, or chicken wings and beer, or burgers and fries, or something like that.

 

Most of my friends at this time were pretty healthy, as I was hanging out with a lot of athletes, gym-going types, and other fencers (I was an epee fencer back then). But when I got together with this particular buddy, we’d go get some good microbrewed beer and a couple pizzas and play Playstation.

 

To be honest, I never really fully answered that question. We kept hanging out, my diet would be shredded when we did, but eventually I moved to another city and things just sorted itself out like that. Now we could look each other up and it wouldn’t be a big deal, because I’m established in my new habits. But when you’re first trying to establish new habits and you’re still shaky, yeah, that’s tough.

 

I used to play a lot of poker, and I was pretty good at it. Lots of my friends were card-players. Once I quit playing cards (I should write that story up sometime… short version: there was an error at the table at Foxwoods, I pointed it out to a pit boss to save help one guy get the sidepot he should have gotten, and he didn’t thank me afterwards… he started playing crazy, going all-in in the dark, built up a huge stack, and eventually broke my pocket pair trip sixes with a pocket pair trip jacks… losing me $800 or so… when I stood up from the table like a zombie, no one I’d be socializing with for the hours I’d been playing said goodbye, or anything conciliatory – that’s when I realized I didn’t want to have poker playing as part of my lifestyle).

 

Anyways, when I quit playing cards, I lost a lot of my card-playing buddies. Not intentionally, but these guys would mainly play cards in their free time, and now I didn’t. I kept getting invitations to games and turning them down, and slowly we drifted apart. It happens, it’s natural.

 

I’ve talked this over with other people who go on the rise in the world. Basically, it goes like this.

 

1. You improve massively a lot at some part of life.


2. An extremely few people might want to improve along with you. This is like, less than 1% of people. It might be none of your friends at all, or one if you’re lucky.


3. Another small number stay cool with you and look up to you, and things stay good. This is maybe 10-20% of people.


4. A few people naturally drift off.


5. It gets weird with the rest of them.

 

Now, if you’ve never gone through a massive short-term improvement phase, you might not understand this. This might look bad or sound bad. But when I talk to successful people, this is damn near always the pattern. People will get weird when their friends improve quickly.

 

Well, not everyone. In extremely rare cases, one of your friends might jump on the improvement bandwagon. A couple of your friends will stay cool and loyal. But a lot of people feel… something… when one of their friends improves a lot. It’s like, it strikes at people’s ego. They see that you’ve got the same background and makeup as them roughly, and you improved. They could but they aren’t… so in a way, it almost becomes like an insult to them that you’ve improved. It makes them feel bad and look bad being around you.

 

This is true no matter what you do, no matter how graceful and conciliatory you are. If you keep things the way they used to be, people feel like you’re being condescending. If you act differently, they think you sold out.

 

Not everyone. Some of your friends will stay cool, loyal friends forever. But a lot of people are like this.

 

I know this might sound odd if you’ve never had it happen to you, but it’s a pattern I’ve seen many times, and had confirmed by many successful people I’ve talked to.

So, what now?

 

Well, the nice thing is that once people meet you when you already have a reputation for steady improvement and coming up in the world, that’s how they see you and they keep rooting for you.

 

The tricky part is continuing to repeatedly get out there, be good to people, and otherwise get exposure to many, many different people to see what kind of connections wind up shaking out.

 

One of the reasons I write all over the place, “Drop me a line for anything if I can help” is because that’s how I’ve met some of my best friends. When you do something nice for someone, 90% of people don’t really notice, 9% of people are really gracious about it but nothing really happens after that, but 1% of the time you wind up making a really amazing friendship or becoming colleagues or working together.

 

That 1% of the time makes it all worth it… making friends with someone you’ve got a lot of camaraderie and have great discussions with is worth incredibly a lot. I don’t mean in just pragmatic terms – I mean, it’s worth a lot on every level.

 

So, I’d recommend you liberally help people and make offers to help people and make yourself useful.

 

It’s also a lot easier for some reason to connect with people who reach out to you than vice-versa. So you might consider doing some public work, like what I’m doing here. I try to get something of a reputation for replying and getting back to people, being helpful and cool, and then people reach out to me. For whatever reason, the rates on reaching out to someone from scratch are pretty bad. Obviously introductions work well, but that’s a chicken and the egg problem. In the meantime, you might consider getting some sort of public platform, and then making it known that you’re very cool when people reach out to you.

 

Final thought – I won’t berate for it, I understand what you mean. But most normal people will. This line – “But, I can’t connect with my old friends because they do all the things I dont want to be a part of any more, because they dont care to do well for themselves as much. In a way, to put it bluntly, they’re not usefull to me” – you probably never, ever want to say that again.

 

That’s not necessarily a good way to think. Maybe it’s not bad, but it’s not necessarily good either. But if you do think it, you gotta be more tactful about saying it. You really, really, really don’t want only exchange based relationships in your life, as I wrote about here -”How to Avoid Exchange-Based Relationships.”

 

Now, it’s fine and normal and natural to look for people with shared goals and ethics, but don’t just look for people who are “useful” – if you’ve got that vibe, people are going to be really skeptical. I met some people traveling through Malaysia and we just hung out and played Scrabble. They’re not hyper-ambitious world conquering types – they’re just cool, friendly, nice people. And we hung out, and connected some, and it was nice.

I’ve been surprised at the number of times I’ve met people with minimum common ground, but then built common ground on a new topic. I understand that if you’re quitting liquor or drugs, then you might want to scale back the time you spend with your party-hard-nightclubbing-friends for a while. (Later, when you’re more established in your new habits, maybe you can reconnect too)

 

But I’d go beyond just looking for people that are hyper-ambitious, constantly improving, etc. There’s plenty of really good people out in the world who aren’t ambitious or high-achieving, but are really pleasant company, decent virtuous people, who are set out to live happy lives and treat everyone around them with respect. Those people are really cool to know too, so you might want to reset some of the criteria for friends and associates you’ve got. Definitely move away from people that you’re going to get sucked into destruction by associating with, but don’t set the bar too high that you miss a lot of really cool decent people.

 

Best wishes and much respect on the journey, and thanks for asking a good question.

当你在进步而朋友原地不动时(转载)

本文是从 On Improving When Your Friends Aren’t 这篇文章翻译而来。 刚好看到一位读者在 “Having Your Own Ethics is Lonely” 这篇...

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