TED | 深度拖延症患者的自白（附视频&演讲稿）

无数人谈过拖延症这个话题，然而他是谈得最幽默的一个。关于拖延症，他在TED上做了个14分钟的演讲，全场一次次笑翻了，那是TED史上最幽默现场反响最热烈的演讲之一。关键在于，没有谁能把拖延症讲得那么浅显幽默，让人深刻理解，从此难忘。
Tim Urban knows that procrastination doesn’t make sense, but he’s never been able to shake his habit of waiting until the last minute to get things done. In this hilarious and insightful talk, Urban takes us on a journey through YouTube binges, Wikipedia rabbit holes and bouts of staring out the window — and encourages us to think harder about what we’re really procrastinating on, before we run out of time.

一个对拖延症非常了解的人
我们一起看看他会怎么分析拖延症
面对拖延他该怎么面对？
《Tim Urban:深度拖延症患者的自白》演讲稿双语版
So in college, I was a government major, which means I had to write a lot of papers. Now, when a normal student writes a paper, they might spread the work out a little like this. So, you know – you get started maybe a little slowly, but you get enough done in the first week that, with some heavier days later on, everything gets done, things stay civil.
上大学那会儿，我是学政务专业的，意味着我得写很多论文。当一名普通的学生写论文时，他们也许会像这样，把任务分摊开。所以，你明白，开始可能有点慢，但是一个星期过后已经写了不少，接下来有时写的更多一些，最后一切搞定，事情不会搞砸。
And I would want to do that like that. That would be the plan. I would have it all ready to go, but then, actually, the paper would come along, and then I would kind of do this. And that would happen every single paper.
我也想这样。至少我的计划是这样。我准备好开始，然而，事实上，到写论文的时候，我是这么做的。而且每次写论文都这样。
But then came my 90-page senior thesis, a paper you’re supposed to spend a year on. And I knew for a paper like that, my normal work flow was not an option. It was way too big a project. So I planned things out, and I decided I kind of had to go something like this. This is how the year would go. So I’d start off light, and I’d bump it up in the middle months, and then at the end, I would kick it up into high gear just like a little staircase. How hard could it be to walk up the stairs? No big deal, right?
最后到了写90页毕业论文的时候，本应该花一年时间去写的论文。我知道对于这样一篇论文来说，我平常的做法行不通。毕业论文是个大项目。于是我计划好，决定这么去做。一年的工作就这么安排。起初少干点儿，中间几个月持续干多一点儿，最后高速档全力以赴，就像小台阶一样。爬台阶能有多难？没什么大不了的，对吧？
But then, the funniest thing happened. Those first few months? They came and went, and I couldn’t quite do stuff. So we had an awesome new revised plan.
但是接下来，有趣的事发生了。起初那几个月？来了又走，我基本没干什么。于是就有了这个很棒的修改计划。
And then – but then those middle months actually went by, and I didn’t really write words, and so we were here. And then two months turned into one month, which turned into two weeks. And one day I woke up with three days until the deadline, still not having written a word, and so I did the only thing I could: I wrote 90 pages over 72 hours, pulling not one but two all-nighters – humans are not supposed to pull two all-nighters – sprinted across campus, dove in slow motion, and got it in just at the deadline.
再然后…中间几个月竟然就这么过去了，我基本上没写几个字，所以变成了这样。然后从还有两个月到还有一个月，再到只剩两星期。然后有一天我突然意识到离截止期只剩三天了，而我还一个字都没写呢，于是我做了我唯一能做的事：我花了72小时写出90页，通宵整整两天赶工，人不应该连续熬两个通宵，全速穿过校园，慢动作潜入，赶在截止期之前交了论文。
I thought that was the end of everything. But a week later I get a call, and it’s the school. And they say, “Is this Tim Urban?” And I say, “Yeah.” And they say, “We need to talk about your thesis.” And I say, “OK.” And they say, “It’s the best one we’ve ever seen.”
我以为一切就这么结束了。结果一个星期之后我接到一通电话，是学校打来的。他们问：“你是蒂姆·尔班吗？” 我说，“没错。”他们说：“我们得和你谈一下论文的事儿。” 我回答，“好。”