TED-2023-01-Why You Feel Anxious Socializing (and What to Do about It) _ Fallon Goodman _ TED

TED-为什么你对社交感到焦虑

Each person who entered our therapy clinic
每个进入我们治疗诊所的人

answer a stack of questions before beginning treatment.
在开始治疗之前都要回答一堆问题。

And during my years as a therapist there,
在我在那里担任治疗师的那些年里，

there was one question I always reviewed before meeting with a new client.
在与新客户会面之前，我总是回顾一个问题。

It asked this:
它问这个问题：

What is your purpose in life?
你的人生目标是什么？

Defined as a central motivating life aim, something you're trying to accomplish.
被定义为一个核心的激励人生目标，你正在努力实现的目标。

Now, to be fair, this is a difficult question.
现在，公平地说，这是一个难题。

Identifying a single purpose in life feels really hard.
确定一个人生目标真的很难。

It also feels consequential.
这也感觉很重要。

Many people spend years searching for and developing their purposes,
许多人花费数年时间寻找和发展他们的目标，

and some never find it.
而有些人从未找到。

But typically we see responses like this:
但通常我们会看到这样的回应

to be an engaged parent,
：成为敬业的父母，

to make meaningful change in my community,
在我的社区做出有意义的改变

to build a career I'm proud of,
，建立我引以为豪的事业

to live for a long time, just keeping it simple.
，活得长久，只是保持简单。

But then there was the answer of one young woman
但随后

who I worked with.
与我共事的一位年轻女性给出了答案。

Before meeting with her, as I always did,
像往常一样，在与她会面之前，

I flipped to see how she described her purpose.
我会翻看她是如何描述自己的目的的。

And she wrote this:
她写道：

"To avoid being noticed by other people."
“为了避免被其他人注意到。”

This young woman, a bright, witty, compassionate high schooler,
这位年轻女子是一名聪明、机智、富有同情心的高中生，

decided that her purpose in life
她决定自己的人生目标

was to make sure that other people did not know that she existed.
是确保其他人不知道她的存在。

This is the power of social anxiety.
这就是社交焦虑的力量。

At its core, social anxiety is about the fear of being rejected.
社交焦虑的核心是害怕被拒绝。

When we feel socially anxious,
当我们感到社交焦虑时，

we become hyper-focused on how we are appearing to others.
我们会过度关注自己在他人面前的表现。

We scan the room looking for signs of threat and disapproval,
我们扫视整个房间，寻找威胁和反对的迹象，以及

signs we might have slipped up and are at risk for rejection.
我们可能失误并面临被拒绝风险的迹象。

And then we seek comfort in signs of approval,
然后我们通过赞同、

smiles, head nods, laughs and so on.
微笑、点头、大笑等方式寻求安慰。

And while social anxiety can be exhausting,
虽然社交焦虑会让人筋疲力尽，

it exists for a reason.
但它的存在是有原因的。

Social anxiety tries to protect us from rejection,
社交焦虑试图保护我们免受拒绝

and it does that by tuning us in to the nuances and norms
，它通过让我们了解社会群体的细微差别、规范

and dynamics of a social group
和动态来做到这一点，

so we can match our behavior to fit in with them
这样我们就可以匹配我们的行为以适应他们

and ultimately avoid being rejected.
并最终避免被拒绝。

This is a good thing because humans are social.
这是一件好事，因为人类是社会性的。

We exist in social groups,
我们存在于社会群体中，

we rely on each other whether or not we like that,
无论我们是否喜欢，我们都相互依赖，

but also more simply because rejection is painful.
但更简单的是，因为拒绝是痛苦的。

Take a moment to think about your own rejection experiences,
花点时间想想你自己被拒绝的经历，

however cringeworthy, we all have them.
无论多么令人畏惧，我们都有。

Maybe you were ghosted after a first date.
也许你在第一次约会后就被鬼魂缠住了。

Been there.
到过那里。

Maybe you were rejected from your dream job.
也许您被梦想的工作拒绝了。

Maybe you were ousted from a friend group.
也许你被朋友群赶走了。

Rejection's unpleasant.
拒绝是不愉快的。

And social anxiety tries to protect us from it.
社交焦虑试图保护我们免受它的伤害。

But social anxiety becomes problematic
但是当社交焦虑

when it begins to interfere with the life you want to live.
开始干扰你想要的生活时，它就会成为问题。

And this happens when your fear of rejection
当您对被拒绝的恐惧

becomes intertwined with your view of yourself.
与您对自己的看法交织在一起时，就会发生这种情况。

When you believe you will be rejected
当你相信你会被拒绝时，

because you think you have some inherent flaw,
因为你认为你有一些内在的缺陷、

deficiency or failing of character.
缺陷或性格上的失败。

You were ghosted after that first date,
第一次约会后你就被迷住了

and you believe it's because you were not lovable or attractive enough.
，你认为这是因为你不够可爱或不够有吸引力。

You were turned down from your dream job,
你梦想的工作被拒绝了

and you believe it's because you were not intelligent or competent enough.
，你认为这是因为你不够聪明或不够能干。

You were ousted from that friend group,
你被那个朋友群赶走了

and you believe it’s because you were not interesting or funny enough.
，你认为这是因为你不够有趣或不够有趣。

Our fear of rejection is really a fear of being less than.
我们对被拒绝的恐惧实际上是对自己不如人的恐惧。

Less than we want to be,
比我们想成为的要

less than we think we should be
少，比我们认为应该成为的要

or less than we believe society wants us to be.
少，或者比我们认为社会希望我们成为的要少。

Now, over time,
现在，随着时间的推移，

this belief system can develop into social anxiety disorder.
这种信仰体系会发展成社交焦虑症。

When a person has social anxiety disorder,
当一个人患有社交焦虑症时，

they become overly concerned about other people scrutinizing them,
他们会过度担心其他人会审视他们、

evaluating them harshly and ultimately rejecting them.
严厉地评价他们并最终拒绝他们。

So much so that they begin to construct their lives around avoiding rejection.
如此之多以至于他们开始围绕避免拒绝来构建自己的生活。

Because if you can avoid being noticed by other people,
因为如果你能避免被其他人注意到，

then those people have fewer data points on which to reject you.
那么那些人拒绝你的数据点就会更少。

Now, social anxiety disorder
现在，社交焦虑症

is one of the most common mental illnesses in the world.
是世界上最常见的精神疾病之一。

In the United States alone,
仅在美国，

more than 12 percent of Americans at some point in their lives
就有超过 12% 的美国人在其生命中的某个时刻

will have diagnosable social anxiety disorder.
会患有可诊断的社交焦虑症。

That's roughly 40 million people.
大约有 4000 万人。

Now worldwide, the estimates are lower, they're four percent,
现在在全球范围内，估计值更低，为 4%，

which in and of itself is interesting.
这本身就很有趣。

But based on current population estimates,
但根据目前的人口估计，

four percent of the world is roughly 300 million people
世界上 4% 的人大约有 3 亿人

that will potentially have social anxiety disorder
可能会

at some point in their lifetime.
在一生中的某个时候患有社交焦虑症。

And despite how prevalent it is, it's widely misunderstood,
尽管它很普遍，但它仍被广泛误解、

widely misdiagnosed
误诊

and often missed entirely.
并经常被完全遗漏。

This is because several myths about social anxiety pervade our culture.
这是因为我们的文化中充斥着一些关于社交焦虑的迷思。

The first myth is that people with social anxiety are happier alone.
第一个误区是有社交焦虑的人一个人更快乐。

The stereotype of someone with social anxiety as a recluse
将患有社交焦虑症的人刻板印象为隐士

who'd rather be hiding away alone in their bedroom
，宁愿独自躲在卧室里也

than out interacting with the world.
不愿与世界互动。

And this is simply not true.
这根本不是真的。

In research conducted in my lab,
在我的实验室进行的研究中，

we find that people with social anxiety disorder
我们发现患有社交焦虑症的人与没有精神疾病的人一样

desire strong, healthy, intimate relationships
渴望牢固、健康、亲密的关系

to the same degree as those without mental illness.
。

And they do socialize,
他们确实进行社交活动，

they’re not robotic aliens.
他们不是机器人外星人。

And when they socialize,
当他们进行社交活动时，

they often enjoy doing so.
他们通常会乐在其中。

In fact, when we ask people with social anxiety
事实上，当我们问有社交焦虑症的人

how happy they are,
他们有多快乐

they report feeling happier when they are with other people
时，他们说与其他人在一起

than when they're alone.
时比独处时更快乐。

This is because not all social interactions are stressful.
这是因为并非所有的社交互动都是有压力的。

Maybe someone feels socially anxious with friends
也许有人对朋友感到社交焦虑，

but not their romantic partner.
但对他们的浪漫伴侣却没有。

Or they feel anxious with strangers and acquaintances
或者他们对陌生人和熟人感到焦虑，

but not people like their neighbors or coworkers.
但对邻居或同事这样的人却不感到焦虑。

So even though some interactions are stressful,
因此，尽管有些互动是有压力的，但

people with social anxiety are not devoid of the basic desire for human connection.
有社交焦虑的人并非没有对人际关系的基本渴望。

They just have trouble obtaining it in certain situations with certain people.
他们只是在与某些人的某些情况下难以获得它。

OK, so maybe then people with social anxiety do socialize,
好吧，也许有社交焦虑的人会去社交，

and when they do, they enjoy it.
而且当他们这样做时，他们会很享受。

But it's with a small, tight-knit group of people.
但这是与一小群关系密切的人一起进行的。

And really, social anxiety is about avoiding the spotlight.
实际上，社交焦虑就是避免成为聚光灯下的焦点。

And this is the second myth.
这是第二个神话。

Social anxiety is not necessarily about a fear of public performance.
社交焦虑不一定是对公开表演的恐惧。

While this is true of some people,
虽然这对某些人来说确实如此，但

other people with social anxiety find performing in front of others
其他患有社交焦虑症的人发现在别人面前表演

less anxiety-provoking

than smaller, more intimate conversations,
比小型、更亲密的谈话更不容易引起焦虑，

like when they have to carry a conversation one on one.
比如当他们必须进行一对一的谈话时。

Many people with social anxiety excel in careers
许多有社交焦虑症的人在

that are intertwined with social evaluation and social performance.
与社会评价和社会表现交织在一起的职业中表现出色。

Modeling, acting, sports.
模特、表演、运动。

In May of 2021,
2021年5月，大

Naomi Osaka declined to participate in press conferences of the French Open.
坂直美拒绝参加法网新闻发布会。

She courageously and preemptively shared
她勇敢地、先发制人地分享

that they exacerbated her social anxiety.
说，他们加剧了她的社交焦虑。

Shortly thereafter, she received a wave of public backlash and scrutiny.
此后不久，她受到了公众的强烈反对和审查。

She goes on to play her first match,
她继续打她的第一场比赛

of course, wins,
，当然赢了，

and then she withdraws from the French Open.
然后她退出了法网。

Many people were perplexed
许多人感到困惑的

about how someone could have social anxiety
是，一个人怎么可能有社交焦虑

and also be the number one ranked tennis player in the world,
，同时也是世界排名第一的网球运动员，与耐克一起

lead a fashion campaign with Nike -- good choice --
领导时尚活动——不错的选择——

and don the cover of Sports Illustrated in a swimsuit.
并穿着泳装登上体育画报的封面。

In an interview the year prior discussing her social anxiety,
在讨论她的社交焦虑的前一年接受采访时，

Osaka explained:
大阪解释说：

"On the court is completely different.
“在球场上是完全不同的。

I love playing at Arthur Ashe because it’s the biggest stadium,
我喜欢在亚瑟阿什打球，因为它是最大的体育场

and you feel the rumble of the crowd.
，你能感受到人群的轰鸣声。

You kind of feel like a gladiator because it’s super-big
你有点像角斗士因为它超级大

and there are so many people watching your match.
，有很多人在看你的比赛。

But off the court,
但在场外，

if I was ever thrown into a situation

where I had to speak in front of 100 people,
如果我不得不在 100 人面前讲话，

I feel like I would start shaking."
我觉得我会开始发抖。”

There is no one-size-fits-all profile of social anxiety.
没有一种千篇一律的社交焦虑症。

Just like people who are depressed have different collections of symptoms
就像抑郁症患者

at different times for different reasons,
由于不同原因在不同时间出现不同的症状一样，

social anxiety looks different in different people.
社交焦虑在不同的人身上看起来也不同。

And last and maybe the most problematic myth.
最后，也许是最有问题的神话。

That social anxiety is fleeting and harmless.
社交焦虑是短暂且无害的。

Social anxiety is not just something you grow out of.
社交焦虑不仅仅是你长大的东西。

It doesn't magically disappear

when you graduate middle school or high school.
当你初中或高中毕业时，它不会神奇地消失。

Without intervention, many people struggle with social anxiety for years,
如果不进行干预，许多人会与社交焦虑症斗争多年、

for decades.
几十年。

And social anxiety can influence every aspect of a person's life.
社交焦虑会影响一个人生活的方方面面。

It can influence the hobbies they choose,
它会影响他们选择的爱好，

maybe opting for solo activities like reading, writing,
可能会选择阅读、写作等个人活动，

rather than things like team sports.
而不是团队运动等活动。

It can influence the careers people pursue.
它可以影响人们追求的职业。

Maybe opting for careers with more individual, like computer time,
也许选择有更多个人的职业，比如计算机时间，

versus things like sales or customer service.
而不是销售或客户服务。

And social anxiety could influence people's everyday lives.
社交焦虑会影响人们的日常生活。

Ricky Williams, star NFL running back,
瑞奇·威廉姆斯 (Ricky Williams)，NFL 明星跑

Heisman-winning running back,
卫，海斯曼 (Heisman) 获奖跑

dazzled millions of people on the football field every week.
卫，每周都让足球场上的数百万人眼花缭乱。

And yet he shared that he struggled with social anxiety, and because of it,
然而，他分享说他与社交焦虑作斗争，因此，

he had difficulty interacting with teammates,
他很难与队友互动，

running everyday errands
每天

where he'd have to interact with people
跑腿，他必须与人

and even interacting with his own daughter.
互动，甚至与自己的女儿互动。

The real tragedy of social anxiety
社交焦虑的真正悲剧

is that it robs individuals of their greatest resource:
在于它剥夺了个人最大的资源：

other people.
其他人。

Other people help us overcome adversity,
其他人帮助我们克服逆境，

like recovering from illness or after you bomb a job interview.
比如从疾病中恢复过来，或者在你面试失败后。

Other people help us celebrate milestones
其他人帮助我们庆祝里程碑，

like showing up to the birth of our child or a wedding or a graduation.
例如出现在我们的孩子出生或婚礼或毕业典礼上。

And other people help us overcome loss,
其他人帮助我们克服损失，

like grieving the death of a loved one.
比如为所爱之人的去世而悲伤。

Our fear of rejection gets in the way of obtaining and appreciating
我们对被拒绝的恐惧阻碍了获得和欣赏

the benefits of being accepted, the benefits of other people.
被接受的好处，即他人的好处。

And in our modern world,
在我们的现代世界中，管理社交焦虑

it is harder than ever to manage social anxiety.
比以往任何时候都更加困难。

We are more connected today than any time in human history,
我们今天的联系比人类历史上任何时候都多，但我们比以往任何时候

and yet we are lonelier,
都更加孤独、

more depressed
更加沮丧

and more socially anxious than ever.
和社交焦虑。

We have endless tools to socialize,
我们有无穷无尽的社交工具

and yet we're seeing a decaying social connection.
，但我们看到的是一种正在衰退的社交联系。

In a rapid amount of time,
在很短的时间内，

our social structures have been upended and rewritten.
我们的社会结构已经被颠覆和改写。

Technology and social media have created new standards
技术和社交媒体

for social relationships and interactions:
为社交关系和互动创造了新的标准：

"Do I post it, do I share it, do I like it, do I love it?"
“我发布它，我分享它，我喜欢它，我喜欢它吗？”

We create these bizarre extensions of ourselves
我们

through curated profiles and now avatars.
通过精心策划的个人资料和现在的化身创造了我们自己的这些奇怪的扩展。

We try to make sense of unlimited feedback
我们试图

from a massive and often invisible audience.
从大量且通常是隐形的受众那里获得无限的反馈。

And the costs of social blunders are higher.
社会失误的代价更高。

Things you do and things you say can live online forever
您所做的事情和您所说的事情可以永远在线，

and subject you to unforgiving scrutiny,
并使您受到无情的审查、

reputation loss and even job loss.
名誉损失甚至失业。

It is a tough time to have social anxiety.
这是一个很难有社交焦虑的时期。

But the world will become more, not less, connected,
但世界的联系会越来越多，而不是越来越少，

and the influence of technology and social media will grow,
技术和社交媒体的影响力会增加，

not shrink.
而不是缩小。

Now is the time to address social anxiety.
现在是解决社交焦虑的时候了。

And here's how.
方法如下。 我们

The first and maybe easiest thing we can do is identify early.
可以做的第一件也是最简单的事情就是及早识别。

Early detection is critical
及早发现是至关重要的，

because of those who go on to develop social anxiety disorder,
因为那些继续患上社交焦虑症的人中，

more than half will have developed it before their 14th birthday.
超过一半的人会在 14 岁生日之前患上这种疾病。

More than half.
超过一半。

And social anxiety puts people at risk
社交焦虑使人们

for developing other mental illnesses later on.
以后有患上其他精神疾病的风险。

Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety disorder
在被诊断患有社交焦虑症

and a mood disorder like depression,
和抑郁症等情绪障碍的成年人中，70% 的

social anxiety came first 70 percent of the time.
人首先出现社交焦虑。

Of adults who were diagnosed with both social anxiety disorder
在被诊断患有社交焦虑障碍

and alcohol use disorder,
和酒精使用障碍的成年人中，

social anxiety came first.
社交焦虑排在第一位。

It was developed first approximately 80 percent of the time.
大约80% 的时间是先开发它。

What these data suggests is that social anxiety starts early,
这些数据表明，社交焦虑很早就开始了

and it puts people at risk for developing other mental illnesses.
，它使人们有患上其他精神疾病的风险。

But here's the incredible part.
但这是令人难以置信的部分。

Social anxiety can be reliably and accurately flagged

by asking just a few simple questions.
只需问几个简单的问题，就可以可靠而准确地标记出社交焦虑。

Questions like:
像这样的问题：

"Is your fear of rejection among one of your worst fears?"
“你害怕被拒绝是你最害怕的事情之一吗？”

And "Does your fear of rejection get in the way of doing things
以及“你对被拒绝的恐惧是否会妨碍

that you'd otherwise want to be or enjoy doing?"
你做你本来想做或喜欢做的事情？”

The cost of asking these questions is like 30 seconds and zero dollars.
问这些问题的成本就像 30 秒和零美元。

We don't have to create new infrastructures.
我们不必创建新的基础设施。

We don't have to upend existing ones.
我们不必颠覆现有的。

We can embed early detection programs into our existing structures
我们可以将早期检测计划嵌入到我们现有的结构中，

like at schools, new year orientation,
例如在学校、新年迎新、

one-on-one counselor meetings
一对一辅导员会议

and in primary care settings.
和初级保健机构中。

Because if a doctor can screen for depression,
因为如果医生可以筛查抑郁症，

then she can also screen for social anxiety.
那么她也可以筛查社交焦虑症。

Early detection
及早发现

and then appropriately intervening
然后适当干预

can significantly alter the trajectories of young people.
可以显着改变年轻人的轨迹。

The second thing we can do is harness our platforms.
我们可以做的第二件事是利用我们的平台。

One of the benefits of living in this hyperconnected world
生活在这个高度互联的世界中的好处之一

is that a single person can have a ton of power.
是，一个人可以拥有无​​穷无尽的力量。

They can use their platforms to create meaningful and lasting social change.
他们可以使用自己的平台来创造有意义和持久的社会变革。

I mentioned Ricky Williams and Osaka,
我提到了 Ricky Williams 和 Osaka，

who have used their platforms to share about their social anxiety.
他们使用他们的平台来分享他们的社交焦虑。

And just from these two people, we’ve seen a ripple effect.
仅仅从这两个人身上，我们就看到了连锁反应。

In response to Osaka's announcement,
作为对大阪的宣布的回应，

Viola Davis,
维奥拉戴维斯、

Oscar, Emmy, Tony-award winning actress,
奥斯卡、艾美奖、托尼奖获奖女演员

shared that she struggles with social anxiety.
分享了她与社交焦虑作斗争的经历。

A woman whose job it is as an actress
作为一名女演员，她的工作就是

to embody and express the complexities of people

in very vulnerable and very public ways.
以非常脆弱和非常公开的方式体现和表达人们的复杂性。

But frankly, these celebrities are not the poster children for social anxiety.
但坦率地说，这些名人并不是社交焦虑症的典型代表。

They're just three of the millions who suffer,
他们只是数百万受苦

who were brave enough to talk about it.
者中的三个，他们有足够的勇气谈论它。

And we can do the same with our platforms, however big or small.
我们可以对我们的平台做同样的事情，无论大小。

In our schools,
在我们的学校、

in our workplaces,
工作场所、

in our communities and in our homes.
社区和家中。

Because regular, candid and forthcoming conversations about mental illness
因为关于精神疾病的定期、坦诚和即将到来的对话

ultimately reduce stigma,
最终会减少耻辱感、

correct harmful myths
纠正有害的误解

and get people the help that they need.
并让人们获得他们需要的帮助。

The last thing that we can do is foster social courage.
我们能做的最后一件事就是培养社会勇气。

Addressing social anxiety is not about preventing or avoiding rejection.
解决社交焦虑并不是要预防或避免拒绝。

Addressing social anxiety is about fostering social courage.
解决社交焦虑就是培养社交勇气。

Being socially courageous means pursuing experiences
在社会上勇敢意味着追求经验

and knowing that your chances of rejection are not zero.
并知道你被拒绝的机会不是零。

In fact, the chances that you get rejected at some point in your life,
事实上，在你生命

at some point this year, are high.
中的某个时刻，今年的某个时刻，你被拒绝的可能性很高。

And worse, you may be rejected as a function of who you are.
更糟糕的是，你可能会因为你是谁而被拒绝。

Things about yourself that you cannot change.
关于你自己的事情，你无法改变。

Where you come from,
你来自哪里，

what you look like or who you love.
你长什么样，你爱谁。

Being socially courageous means pursuing experiences
在社会上勇敢意味着追求经验，

because they are important to you
因为它们对你很重要，

and knowing that the successes of those pursuits
并且知道这些追求

are not contingent on your worth as a human being.
的成功并不取决于你作为一个人的价值。

Being socially courageous means knowing your worth
勇于社交意味着了解自己的价值

and finding people and social groups
并找到

that love and accept that person.
爱和接受那个人的人和社会团体。

And being socially courageous means asking that person out,
勇于社交意味着约那个人出去，

applying for that job,
申请那份工作，

speaking up at that meeting or that party
在那个会议或那个派对上发言，

or giving that big talk on that big stage,
或者在那个大舞台上发表重要演讲，

knowing that rejection lurks around the corner.
知道拒绝潜伏在拐角处。

But the opportunity for growth and for purpose shines brighter.
但成长和目标的机会更加闪耀。

A purpose not defined by ensuring that you go unnoticed in this world,
一个目的不是通过确保你在这个世界上不被注意来定义的，

but a purpose that makes you feel most alive, most present
而是一个让你感觉最有活力、最当下

and most authentically you.
和最真实的你的目的。

Thank you.
谢谢你。