If "Super Girl" were run by CCTV...

Translated from a BBS post that started circulating last month:

The competition starts. Hosts Zhu Jun and Zhou Tao come onstage.

Zhu Jun: The spring breeze of reform blows throughout the land, and happiness descends from the heavens in waves. Viewers, through the great attention of leaders at all levels, the cooperation of local television stations across the country, and with the generous support of our sponsors, we bring you the CCTV - #6 Pharmaceutical Power Pill Super Girl Competition!

Zhou Tao: The land is filled with reform's spring breeze, and super girls must test their wills. Viewers, the Super Girls competing in today's competition have been selected by local TV stations across the country. Passing through stringent political investigations, they are red-rooted and upright, they are actively moving forward, they work hard to closely organize, they are both red and professional, and they can be completely trusted.

Zhu Jun: First let me introduce our judges for today's competition - in no particular order, they are: noted vocalist, educator, and vice-chairman of the China Musicians' Association Wang Kun; noted vocalist, educator, and vice-chairman of the China Musicians' Association Li Shuangjiang; noted vocalist, educator, and Central Academy of Music professor Jin Teilin; noted lyricist, writer, author, and vice-chairman of the China Musicians' Association Yan Su; noted vocalist, educator, and vice-chairman of the China Musicians' Association Li Guangxi;...and...

Zhou Tao: The judges for today's competion are senior comrades with whom we are all familiar. When I see them I get a special feeling; back in the 1980s when I was a middle-school student, the judges I saw on CCTV singing competitions were yourselves, and now you are hear as well. Without a list I can still remember all of your names.

Zhu Jun: The competition now begins. Will contestant #1, Zhang Liangying from Sichuan TV, come on stage.

Zhang Liangying comes on stage dressed in an old-style dress from the 1950s.

Zhou Tao: Viewers, the contestants for today's competition and the songs they will be singing are as follows:

• Contestant #1: Zhang Liangying, singing Homeland, Homeland, I Love You to Death.
• Contestant #2: Zhou Bichang, singing Super Girls Race to a Well-off Society.
• Contestant #3: Li Yuchun, singing Family Planning Brings Wealth to All Villagers.
• Contestant #4: He Jie, singing I Want to be a Screw in the Development of the West.
• Contestant #5: Ji Minjia, singing Drink a Sweet, Sweet Mouthful of the Yellow River.
• Contestant #6: Ye Yiqian, singing Peasant Farmers Visit Paris.
• ...........

Zhu Jun: Viewers, now it is time for the quality assessment segment. Mr. Yu Qiuyu, noted author and scholar...

[inane pun section omitted]

Zhou Tao: The results for the final competition are in: in first place, the contestant from the PLA General Political Department Dance Troupe _____; in second place, the contestant from the Central Conservatory of Music ______; in third place, the contestant from the Central Academy of Dance ______....honorable mention to Zhou Bichang and Li Yuchun.

Zhu Jun: Viewers, we have another piece of good news to tell you. According to the results of a CCTV Sofres sampling, the ratings for this Super Girl competition reached 98.75%, setting a Guiness World Record for television viewing.