How to Be Assertive Asking for What You Want Firmly and Fairly

What Is Assertiveness?

It's not always easy to identify truly assertive behavior. This is because there's a fine line between assertiveness and aggression, and people can often confuse the two. For this reason, it's useful to define the two behaviors so that we can clearly separate them:
Assertiveness is based on balance. It requires being forthright about your wants and needs, while still considering the rights, needs and wants of others. When you're assertive, you are self assured and draw power from this to get your point across firmly, fairly and with empathy.
Aggressive behavior is based on winning. You do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings, or desires of other people. When you're aggressive, the power you use is selfish. You may come across as pushy or even bullying. You take what you want, often without asking.
So, a boss who places a pile of work on your desk the afternoon before you go on vacation, and demands that it gets done straight away, is being aggressive. The work needs to be done but, by dumping it on you at an inappropriate time, he or she disregards your needs and feelings.

When you, on the other hand, inform your boss that the work will be done but only after you return from vacation, you hit the sweet spot between passivity (not being assertive enough) and aggression (being hostile, angry or rude). You assert your own rights while recognizing your boss's need to get the job done.

Warning:

Assertive behavior may not be appropriate in all workplaces. Some organizational and national cultures may prefer people to be passive and may view assertive behavior as rude or even offensive.

Research has also suggested that gender can have a bearing on how assertive behavior is perceived, with men more likely to be rewarded for being assertive than women. So, it pays to consider the context in which you work before you start changing your behavior.
The Benefits of Being Assertive

One of the main benefits of being assertive is that it can help you to become more self-confident, as you gain a better understanding of who you are and the value that you offer.

Assertiveness provides several other benefits that can help you both in your workplace and in other areas of your life. In general, assertive people:

Make great managers. They get things done by treating people with fairness and respect, and are treated by others the same way in return. This means that they are often well-liked and seen as leaders that people want to work with.
Negotiate successful "win-win" solutions. They are able to recognize the value of their opponent's position and can quickly find common ground with him.
Are better doers and problem solvers. They feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution to the problems that they encounter.
Are less anxious and stressed. They are self-assured and don't feel threatened or victimized when things don't go as planned or as expected.
Tip:

The LADDER mnemonic is an effective way of assertively resolving problems. You can read about it in our Bite-Sized Training™ session on Assertiveness, here.
How to Become More Assertive

It's not easy to become more assertive, but it is possible. So, if your disposition tends to be more passive or aggressive, then it's a good idea to work on the following areas to help you to get the balance right:

1. Value Yourself and Your Rights

To be more assertive, you need to gain a good understanding of yourself , as well as a strong belief in your inherent value and your value to your organization and team.

This self-belief is the basis of self-confidence and assertive behavior. It will help you to recognize that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, give you the confidence to stick up for your rights and protect them, and remain true to yourself , your wants and your needs.

Tip:

While self-confidence is an important aspect of assertiveness, it's crucial that you make sure that it doesn't develop into a sense of self-importance. Your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as everyone else's, but not more important than anyone else's.

 

什么是自信？

确定真正的自信行为并不总是容易的。这是因为在自信和侵略之间有很好的界线, 人们常常会混淆这两者。因此, 定义这两种行为是很有用的, 这样我们就可以清楚地区分它们:
自信是以平衡为基础的。它需要对你的需要和需求直言不讳, 同时还要考虑他人的权利、需要和希望。当你有主见的时候, 你是自信的, 从中汲取力量, 让你的观点坚定、公正和充满同情心。
进取的行为是以胜利为基础的。你做什么是你自己的最佳利益, 而不考虑其他人的权利, 需要, 感情或愿望。当你有侵略性的时候, 你使用的力量是自私的。你可能会遇到咄咄逼人甚至欺负。你拿你想要的, 常常不问。
所以, 在你去度假之前的下午, 一个老板把一堆工作放在你的办公桌上, 并要求它马上完成, 这是积极进取的。这项工作需要做, 但是, 在不适当的时候向你倾销, 他或她忽视了你的需要和感受。

另一方面, 当你告诉你的老板这项工作将会完成, 但只有在你休假回来后, 你才会在被动 (不够自信) 和侵略 (敌意、愤怒或粗鲁) 之间达到一个甜蜜的位置。当你承认你的老板需要完成工作的时候, 你就会断言自己的权利。

警告：

在所有工作场所, 自信的行为可能不合适。一些组织和民族文化可能更倾向于让人被动, 并可能认为主张行为粗鲁甚至冒犯。

研究还表明, 性别对如何看待自信行为有影响, 男性比女性更有可能得到奖励。所以, 在你开始改变你的行为之前, 考虑一下你的工作环境是有好处的。
自信的好处

自信的主要好处之一是它可以帮助你变得更加自信, 因为你能更好地理解你是谁以及你提供的价值。

自信提供了一些其他的好处, 可以帮助你在你的工作场所和其他领域的生活。一般来说, 自信的人:

成为伟大的经理人。他们通过公平和尊重对待人来完成事情, 并以同样的方式对待他人。这意味着他们经常被人喜欢, 被看作是人们希望与之共事的领导者。
协商成功 "双赢 " 解决方案。他们能够识别对手的位置的价值, 并能迅速找到共同点与他。
是更好的实干家和问题解决。他们觉得有权尽一切所能找到解决问题的最佳办法。
更少焦虑和压力。他们是自信的, 当事情不按计划或预期进行时, 不要感到威胁或受害。
提示：

阶梯助记符是果断解决问题的有效方法。你可以在我们的咬大小的 Training™会议上读到关于自信, 这里。
如何变得更加自信

变得更加自信并不容易, 但这是可能的。所以, 如果你的性格倾向于被动或咄咄逼人, 那么在以下方面工作是一个好主意, 以帮助你获得平衡权:

1. 珍视自己和你的权利

更有主见的是, 你需要对自己有一个很好的理解, 以及对自己的内在价值和对组织和团队价值的坚定信念。

这种自我信念是自信和自信行为的基础。这将帮助你认识到, 你应该得到尊严和尊重, 让你有信心捍卫你的权利和保护他们, 并保持真实的你自己, 你的愿望和你的需要。

提示：

自信是自信的一个重要方面, 但重要的是你要确保它不会发展成一种自我重要性的感觉。你的权利、思想、感情、需求和欲望和其他人一样重要, 但并不比别人更重要。

 

2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently

If you're going to perform to your full potential then you need to make sure that your priorities – your needs and wants – are met.

Don't wait for someone else to recognize what you need. You might wait forever! Take the initiative and start to identify the things that you want now. Then, set goals so that you can achieve them.

Once you've done this, you can tell your boss or your colleague exactly what it is that you need from them to help you to achieve these goals in a clear and confident way. And don't forget to stick to your guns. Even if what you want isn't possible right now, ask (politely) whether you can revisit your request in six months time.

Find ways to make requests that avoid sacrificing others' needs. Remember, you want people to help you, and asking for things in an overly aggressive or pushy way is likely to put them off doing this and may even damage your relationship.

3. Acknowledge That You Can't Control Other People's Behavior

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your assertiveness. If they, for example, act angry or resentful toward you, try to avoid reacting to them in the same way.

Remember that you can only control yourself and your own behavior, so do your best to stay calm and measured if things get tense. As long as you are being respectful and not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.

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4. Express Yourself in a Positive Way

It's important to say what's on your mind, even when you have a difficult or negative issue to deal with. But you must do it constructively and sensitively.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and to confront people who challenge you and/or your rights. You can even allow yourself to be angry! But remember to control your emotions and to stay respectful at all times.

Key Points

Being assertive means finding the right balance between passivity (not assertive enough) and aggression (angry or hostile behavior). It means having a strong sense of yourself and your value, and acknowledging that you deserve to get what you want. And it means standing up for yourself even in the most difficult situations.

What being assertive doesn't mean is acting in your own interest without considering other people's rights, feelings, desires, or needs – that is aggression.

You can learn to be more assertive over time by identifying your needs and wants, expressing them in a positive way, and learning to say "no" when you need to. You can also use assertive communication techniques to help you to communicate your thoughts and feelings firmly and directly.

It likely won't happen overnight but, by practising these techniques regularly, you will slowly build up the confidence and self-belief that you need to become assertive. You'll also likely find that you become more productive, efficient and respected, too.

 

.呼唤你的需求, 自信地想要

如果你要发挥你的全部潜能, 那么你需要确保你的优先事项-你的需求和需要-得到满足。

不要等到别人知道你需要什么。你可以等一辈子!采取主动, 开始确定你现在想要的东西。然后, 设定目标, 以便你能实现它们。

一旦你做到了这一点, 你可以告诉你的老板或你的同事, 你到底需要什么, 以帮助你以明确和自信的方式实现这些目标。别忘了坚持你的枪即使你现在想要的是不可能的, 请 (礼貌地) 问你是否可以在六月内重新访问你的请求。

找到避免牺牲他人需求的请求的方法。记住, 你希望人们帮助你, 并以过分进取或咄咄逼人的方式要求事情, 可能会使他们不这样做, 甚至可能损害你的关系。

3. 承认你不能控制别人的行为

不要犯错误, 接受别人对你的自信反应的责任。例如, 如果他们对你表现出愤怒或怨恨, 尽量避免以同样的方式对他们做出反应。

记住, 你只能控制自己和自己的行为, 所以你最好保持冷静和衡量, 如果事情变得紧张。只要你是尊重和不违反别人的需要, 那么你有权说或做你想要的。

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发现4。以积极的方式表达自己

重要的是要说出你的想法, 即使你有一个困难或消极的问题要处理。但是你必须要有建设性和敏感的态度。

不要害怕站起来为自己和面对挑战你和/或你的权利的人。你甚至可以让自己生气!但记住要控制你的情绪和保持尊重在任何时候

 

要点

自信意味着在被动 (不够自信) 和侵略 (愤怒或敌意行为) 之间找到正确的平衡。它意味着对你自己和你的价值有强烈的感觉, 并承认你应该得到你想要的东西。这意味着即使在最困难的情况下也要为自己站起来。

自信并不意味着在你自己的利益中行事, 而不考虑他人的权利、感情、欲望或需要--那就是侵略。

随着时间的推移, 你可以通过确定你的需求和想要, 以积极的方式表达他们, 并在需要的时候学会说 "不", 从而学会更加自信。你也可以使用自信的沟通技巧来帮助你坚定而直接地传达你的想法和感受。

它可能不会在一夜之间发生, 但是, 通过经常练习这些技巧, 你将慢慢建立自信和自信, 你需要变得自信。你也可能会发现你变得更有生产力, 更有效率和尊重。

不要等到别人知道你需要什么。你可以等一辈子!采取主动, 开始确定你现在想要的东西。然后, 设定目标, 以便你能实现它们。

一旦你做到了这一点, 你可以告诉你的老板或你的同事, 你到底需要什么, 以帮助你以明确和自信的方式实现这些目标。别忘了坚持你的枪即使你现在想要的是不可能的, 请 (礼貌地) 问你是否可以在六月内重新访问你的请求。

找到避免牺牲他人需求的请求的方法。记住, 你希望人们帮助你, 并以过分进取或咄咄逼人的方式要求事情, 可能会使他们不这样做, 甚至可能损害你的关系。

3. 承认你不能控制别人的行为

不要犯错误, 接受别人对你的自信反应的责任。例如, 如果他们对你表现出愤怒或怨恨, 尽量避免以同样的方式对他们做出反应。

记住, 你只能控制自己和自己的行为, 所以你最好保持冷静和衡量, 如果事情变得紧张。只要你是尊重和不违反别人的需要, 那么你有权说或做你想要的。

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发现4。以积极的方式表达自己

重要的是要说出你的想法, 即使你有一个困难或消极的问题要处理。但是你必须要有建设性和敏感的态度。

不要害怕站起来为自己和面对挑战你和/或你的权利的人。你甚至可以让自己生气!但是记住要控制你的情绪, 时刻保持尊重。

 

Being assertive in the workplace is a frequently misunderstood concept as there are many of us who confuse assertiveness with being aggressive and domineering. Everyone wants to feel acknowledged and empowered in his or her workplace, but research states most people feel powerless and subjugated. This is because they are unable to express themselves with clarity and confidence. This keeps getting worse as you climb up the ranks and do not find solutions earlier in your career.

Reach your goals by empowering yourself

To understand this phenomenon better, I am going to take you through the kinds of communication styles regularly used. We use different communication styles with different people and in different situations, especially authority figures. There are 4 distinct patterns in communication styles:

Passive: A passive communicator goes out of their way to avoid conflict and tend to put their needs last. They apologize a lot and often are taken advantage of. They tend to think of themselves as a peacekeeper but in reality send out a message that their feelings and opinions are not as important as the others.
Aggressive: An aggressive communicator comes across as a self-righteous bully, dismissive of others opinions and feelings. They use criticism, intimidation, and humiliation to dominate others.
Passive- Aggressive: This is a style of communication often seen in corporate situations, when one feels powerless. The behavior exhibits a mixture of agreement and resistance where you are easygoing and cooperative on the outside and resenting the authority on the inside. Uncomfortable with conflict or confrontation of any sort, people exhibiting this behavior often resort to manipulation, sarcasm and playing games with others to exert power or subvert authority.
Assertive: Assertiveness is said to be a balance between passive and aggressive. Being assertive is communicating your perspective and opinions, while being respectful of others. Assertive people communicate their opinions without apology and in turn allow others their say. They are not pushovers as they recognize the limits to which they can bend.

 在工作场所有主见

在职场中自信是一个经常被误解的概念, 因为我们中有许多人把自信与好斗和专横混为一谈。每个人都希望在他或她的工作场所得到承认和授权, 但研究指出大多数人感到无能为力和被征服。这是因为他们无法表达自己的清晰和信心。当你爬上队伍, 在你的职业生涯中没有找到解决方案的时候, 情况会越来越糟。

通过增强自己的力量达到你的目标

为了更好地理解这一现象, 我将带您通过定期使用的各种交流方式。我们使用不同的沟通方式, 不同的人, 在不同的情况下, 特别是权威人物。在通信样式中有4种截然不同的模式:

被动的: 被动的沟通者会避开冲突, 并倾向于把他们的需求放在最后。他们道歉很多, 经常被利用。他们倾向于认为自己是一个维和人员, 但实际上传达了一个信息, 他们的感情和意见并不像其他人那么重要。
好斗: 一个好斗的沟通者会成为一个自以为是的恶霸, 不屑别人的意见和感受。他们用批评、恐吓和羞辱来支配别人。
被动攻击: 这是一种在公司情况下经常看到的交流方式, 当你感到无能为力时。这种行为表现出一种混合的协议和阻力, 在那里你是随和和合作的外部和怨恨在内部的权威。对任何形式的冲突或对抗感到不安, 表现这种行为的人往往诉诸于操纵、挖苦和与他人玩游戏来施加权力或颠覆权威。
自信: 说自信是被动和好斗之间的平衡。自信是传达你的观点和观点, 同时尊重他人。自信的人没有道歉就表达自己的意见, 反过来又允许别人说。他们不 pushovers, 因为他们承认他们可以弯曲的极限。

 

Have you identified which style you tend to lean to? The healthiest communications style everyone aspires for and generally the most underused is assertiveness.

If we look around in our workplace, there are those who are overlooked and viewed as uncertain, indecisive and weak because of their ‘passive communication’. Then, they are also those who trying to be assertive accidentally veer off into “aggressive” territory who are overlooked as not being a team player.

Assertiveness is particularly a difficult issue to address for working women. Daniel Ames, a professor at Columbia Business School says, “The range of latitude for women is smaller for what they can get away with”. Women have to deal with societal perceptions of being too pushy or of being a pushover. Their traditional roles of being peacekeepers and of keeping harmony in their environment leads to passive behavior that in turns results in missed opportunities or being overlooked.

So, what are the parameters of assertive behavior one should look at? The best answer I found was according to Caroline Miller, author of Creating Your Best life who says that the three keys to assertive behavior is “knowing what you want, believing you have a right to it, and finding the courage to express it.”

Tips for being assertive in the workplace
READING PATTERNS. Recognize situations when you are unable to express your opinion or are taken advantage of or equally, when you have been aggressive. Once you recognize your response pattern, think about an effective, tactful, fair and assertive response to a specific situation. Then, start reacting in mildly tense situations like speaking in a group meeting and move on to expressing yourself in tougher situations like negotiating with your boss.
SYNCHRONIZING YOUR VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION.
Non-Verbal. Observe how your body language is reiterating your communication. The key non-verbal keys of assertive communication are “eye contact, non-intimidating body posture, appropriate gestures, a well-modulated voice and good timing, which will all, maximize the impact of your message.”
Verbal. In a critical situation when you are aware you have to speak, make a note of what you want to say, either in your head or on a sheet of paper to build coherence. It is often you find that speaking is quite different from simply thinking, as what is clear in your head might not be clear when you speak.
One of the common devaluing techniques is using language that reduces the importance of what you’re saying. For example, the word “just” implies that something is insignificant: “I just thought…” or “This is just an idea…” It’s like they’re giving the listener a warning that what’s to come is trivial and irrelevant. Another devaluing technique is prefacing words with phrases like: “I could be wrong but…” or “This might sound crazy but…”. A third way is putting a question mark sound at the end of your sentences makes it sound like you’re questioning yourself. And hey, if you’re not sure about what you’re saying, why would anyone else be?

PICK YOUR BATTLES. Conflicts are inevitable when people work closely together. The two things that generally happen in such situations: you either end up fighting over every little thing or push everything under the carpet by avoiding any conflict altogether so the issue and the resentment stay exactly where it is. Instead, make a list of conflict points and focus on a couple of important points that would impact your performance or the team goal. If the issue is on a specific point, table the issue in front of the team and ask for a democratic solution, everyone agrees to. If the issue is with a colleague, ask for a meeting in a informal environment, make a list of issues both of you are facing and discuss. Don’t say ‘yes’ just to please someone, when you really mean ‘no’. Be clear and specific about what you want to say – stick to the point and don’t make it personal. Acknowledge the non-negotiable points for the both of you and work out a compromise so both of you end up feeling empowered.
While being assertive is a great thing, make sure you are not overcompensating and going into the aggressive zone. Don’t just hear your voice in your head; consider others in the situation. Secondly, do not try to imitate somebody else you believe to be assertive. Thirdly, don’t settle for situations where you are unhappy for not speaking out. Go back and speak up even if it is after the context has passed by. It is critical that someone knows exactly what you opine and feel. More so when you’re in senior management jobs!

你确定了你倾向于哪一种风格？每个人都渴望的最健康的沟通方式, 通常最没有充分利用的是自信。

如果我们环顾四周, 在我们的工作场所, 有一些人被忽视, 被视为不确定, 优柔寡断和薄弱, 因为他们的 ' 被动沟通 '。然后, 他们也是那些试图主张不小心转向 "侵略性" 的领域, 谁被忽视了作为一个团队的球员。

对工作妇女来说, 自信尤其是一个难以解决的问题。哥伦比亚商学院的一位教授丹尼尔？艾姆斯说, "女性的纬度范围比他们能得到的更小."妇女必须处理社会对过于咄咄逼人或容易被人摆布的看法。他们作为维持和平人员的传统角色和在他们的环境中保持和谐, 导致消极行为, 从而导致错失机会或被忽视。

那么, 什么是主张行为的参数, 你应该看看？我发现最好的答案是根据卡罗琳·米勒, 作者创造了你最好的生活谁说, 三关键的主张行为是 "知道你想要什么, 相信你有权利, 并找到勇气来表达它。

在工作场所自信的秘诀
阅读模式。当你有侵略性的时候, 当你无法表达自己的观点或者被利用或平等的时候, 你就会意识到情况。一旦你认识到你的反应模式, 考虑一个有效的, 委婉的, 公平和果断的反应, 对特定的情况。然后, 在温和紧张的情况下开始反应, 比如在小组会议上发言, 然后继续表达自己的处境, 比如与老板谈判。
同步你的口头和非语言交流。
非语言的。观察你的肢体语言是如何重申你的沟通。主张性沟通的关键非语言钥匙是 "眼神接触, 非恐吓身体姿势, 适当的手势, 一个调制良好的声音和良好的时间, 这将所有, 最大限度地发挥你的信息的影响。
口头。在危急的情况下, 当你意识到你必须说话, 记下你想说的话, 无论是在你的头上还是在一张纸上, 以建立连贯性。通常你会发现说话和简单的思考有很大的不同, 因为在你说话的时候头脑里清楚的东西可能不清楚。
一种常用的贬值技巧是使用语言来降低你所说的重要性。例如, "只是" 一词意味着一些无关紧要的事情: "我只是想..." 或 "这只是一个想法..."这就像他们在给听者一个警告, 说将要发生的事情是微不足道的, 无关紧要的。另一个贬值技术是之前词, 比如: "我可能错了, 但是..." 或者 "这听起来可能有点疯狂, 但是..."。 第三种方法是在句子的末尾放一个问号, 听起来像是在质疑自己。嘿, 如果你不知道你在说什么, 为什么还会有其他人？

选择你的战斗。当人们密切合作时, 冲突是不可避免的。在这种情况下通常会发生的两件事: 你要么为每件小事而争斗, 要么把一切都推到地毯下, 避免任何冲突, 这样问题和怨恨就会一直保持到底。相反, 列一个冲突点列表, 并将重点放在一些会影响您的性能或团队目标的重要点上。如果问题是在一个特定的点上, 把问题摆在团队面前, 要求一个民主的解决方案, 每个人都同意。如果问题是与同事, 要求在非正式的环境下开会, 列出你双方都面临和讨论的问题。不要说 ' 是 ' 只是为了取悦某人, 当你真正的意思是 ' 不 ' 时。明确和具体你想说什么-坚持重点, 不要让它的个人。承认你们两人之间的不可商量的点, 并达成妥协, 这样你们两个最终都感觉到了权力。
虽然自信是一件大事, 但要确保你不会过度补偿, 进入激进的区域。不要只听到你的声音在你的脑海里;在这种情况下考虑其他人。其次, 不要试图模仿别人, 你相信是有主见的。 第三, 不要为不讲出来而不高兴的情况而感到满足。回去说话, 即使是在上下文已经过去了。重要的是, 有人确切地知道你的意见和感受。更甚的是, 当你在高级管理工作!

 

Styles of communications are different ways of communicate with others, which will help us or not in building strong and reliable communications. We can find four styles of communications: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. 

The style of communication appropriate for business is the assertive one. This one is born from healthy self-esteem and respect for self and others. Below we can find some of its features:

1. People who practice assertive communication express their needs, feelings, want and opinions in a clearly, directly and respectfully way.
2. They use "I" statements.
3. They listen well and without interrupting.
4. They make good eye contact.
5. They speak in a calm and respectful tone.
6. Their body posture is relaxed.
7. They don't allow others to abuse or manipulate them, because they know how to stand up for their rights, while respecting the rights of others.

This way of communicate allow people feel in control of their lives and feel connected to others. They are happy to negotiate and resolve conflicts while creating a respectful environment. They are comfortable in acknowledging their mistakes and work on them