Bring out the best in the Tank
When you’re under attack by the Tank, you’ve been targeted as part of the problem. The aggressive behavior is meant to either shove you back on course or eliminate the obstacle that you represent. Your goal must be to command respect, because Tanks simply don’t attack people they respect. Aggressive people require assertive reactions. Here’s a five-step action plan that will send a clear signal that you are strong and capable.
Hold your ground. Stay put. Don’t change your position and don’t go on either the offensive or the defensive. Wait until the attack is over, then tell the Tank what you’re going to do about it (even if it means walking away)-and do it. Other times, you may need to proceed to the next step.
Interrupt the attack. Say the person’s name over and over until you have his or her full attention. Once you’ve begun this step, don’t back off. Aggressive people like assertive people who stand up for themselves, as long as this isn’t perceived as an attack. Keep your voice volume at 75% of the Tank’s volume. Then he or she will perceive you as assertive but not aggressive.
Backtrack. Now that you have the Tank’s attention, backtrack the main accusation. This sets a good example of listening with respect and conveys that you’ve heard him or her. A Tank has a short attention span. Two sentences will do. He or she will go back to venting. Wait a few seconds, then interrupt again and backtrack again.
Aim for the bottom line and fire! Redirect the conversation to the bottom line-the Tank’s if he or she is right, yours if he or she is wrong. The Tank wants to get it done, and your best chance of ending the attack is to blend with his or her intent. The bottom line varies with your situation, but can usually be stated in about two sentences. Keep it short and sweet: the attention span of a Tank is extremely short. Try to establish that you and he or she are on the same side: e.g., “We both want what’s best on this project.” Or respond with a problem: e.g., “That’s terrible, I’m here to help you and we’re going to do something about it!” A take-charge attitude will definitely blend with a Tank. If you’re not on the same side, just tell it like it is: e.g., “I’ll discuss this with you when you’re ready to communicate in a reasonable manner.”
Peace with honor. Never close the door in the Tank’s face. When you leave the door open, the Tank has the opportunity to back off and probably will take it. You can let him or her have the last word ... but you decide where and when this happens: e.g., “When you’re ready to talk to me with respect, I’m willing to hear what you have to say.”
There are three typical emotional responses to an attacking Tank. They’re all natural-and all futile. So adjust your attitude:
Don’t counterattack! Avoid engaging with the Tank. You may win the battle, but you could still lose the war if the Tank decides to build an alliance against you.
Don’t defend, explain, or justify: The Tank has no interest in your explanations and defensive behavior is likely to further antagonize the Tank.
Don’t shut down: Out of fear or to avoid conflict, you may be tempted to withdraw. But fear is a surefire sign to the Tank that the attack was justified and may inspire him or her to return for more.
“The Tank is confrontational, pointed, and angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive behavior”
Bring out the best in the sniper
When events don’t go as planned or are obstructed by others, a get it done person may try to eliminate the opposition through sniping. Your goal when dealing with the Sniper is to bring him or her out of hiding. Since the Sniper’s limited power is derived from covert operations, rather than overt, once you’ve exposed a Sniping position, that position becomes useless.
Stop, look, backtrack. Since your goal is to bring the Sniper out of hiding, you must first zero in on his or her hiding place. If it seems that someone is taking shots at you, stop!-even in the middle of a sentence. Interrupting yourself brings attention to the Sniper, effectively blowing his or her cover. Look directly into the person’s eyes for a moment, and then calmly backtrack his or her remark.
Use searchlight questions. Now it’s time to turn on the searchlight, asking a question to draw the Sniper out and expose his or her behavior. The two best questions are based on intent and relevancy: “When you say that (backtrack), what are you really trying to say?” and “What does that (backtrack) have to do with this?” The key to asking a searchlight question is to keep your tone neutral and maintain a neutral (read “innocent”) look on your face.
Use Tank strategy if necessary. If a Sniper becomes a Tank, you may have actually improved the situation; at least now you know what the problem is! Use the strategy recommended for dealing with the Tank not only to command respect from the Sniper, but also from those who have witnessed the attach.
Go on a grievance patrol. If you suspect that someone is holding a grudge against you, but you’re not certain, see what you can scout out. If you find evidence that someone is harboring a grudge, you may want to clear the air. If you’re successful in bringing the grudge to the surface, listen carefully to all that your Sniper has to say. Once you fully understand the grievance, let your problem person know that you understand and express appreciation for his or her candid description of the problem.
Suggest a civil future. Whether in private or public, finish the interaction by suggesting an alternative behavior for the future. At the end of any encounter with the Sniper, it’s important to let him or her know that your preference in the future is open and friendly communication. So…
Don’t overreact: Reacting strongly to the Sniper may encourage him or her to dish out more of the same. The best attitude to develop is one of amused curiosity. Try not to take it personally; instead, focus on the Sniper, rather than yourself.
Distinguish between friendly Snipers and malicious Snipers: Friendly Sniping has its origins in the intent to get appreciated, the need for attention. Malicious Sniping, on the other hand, originates in the intent to get it done and fulfills the need for control by seeking to undermine the control of others.
For the friendly Sniper, try reframing: Take the remark as a sign of affection or a behavioral quirk. If you can’t laugh at it, you can at least learn to laugh it off. Or just let the Sniper know you don’t respond well to teasing or put-down humor. Since the person likes you, he or she may change his or her behavior around you. And when that happens, reinforce it by appreciating the person for the change.
“Whether through rude comments, biting sarcasm, or a well-timed roll of the eyes, making you look foolish is the Sniper’s specialty.”
Bring out the best in the Know-It-All
Know-It-Alls are knowledgeable and extremely competent people, highly assertive and outspoken in their viewpoints. Their intent is to get it done in the way that they have determined is best, so they can be very controlling, with a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. Know-It-Alls perceive new ideas as challenges to their authority and knowledge and will rise to those challenges. They will do anything to avoid humiliation.
Your goal with the Know-It-All is to open his or her mind to new information and ideas. But as we’ve seen, this isn’t easy(!). With Know-It-Alls, it’s next to impossible to get your two cents in.
Be prepared and know your stuff. If there are any flaws in your thinking, Know-It-All radar will pick up on those shortcomings and use them to discredit your whole idea. In order to get a Know-It-All to consider your alternative, you must clearly think through your information beforehand and be ready to present it clearly and concisely.
Backtrack respectfully. Be forewarned: you’ll have to do more backtracking with the Know-It-All than with any other difficult person. They must feel that you have thoroughly understood the brilliance of their point of view before you’ll be able to redirect them to another point of view.
It’s not enough to simply backtrack; your whole demeanor must be one of respect and sincerity. You want to look and sound like the Know-It-All’s view is in fact the correct one.
Blend with their doubts and desires. If the Know-It-All really believes in an idea, it is because of specific criteria that make that idea important to him or her. You will find it helpful to blend with those criteria, if you know them, by acknowledging them before you present your idea. Then show how your idea takes those factors into account.
Present your views indirectly. When the time has come to redirect the Know-It-All to your position, use softening words like “maybe,” “perhaps,” and “bear with me a moment” to sound hypothetical and indirect, rather than determined or challenging. Try questions rather than statements and “we” rather than “I.”
Turn them into mentors. By letting the Know-It-All know that you recognize an expert and are willing to learn, you become less of a threat. This way, the Know-It-All spends more time instructing you than obstructing you. It is entirely possible that, with time, the Know- It-All may be more willing to listen to you, as well.
Adjust your attitude:
Don’t use the Know-It-All’s weapons: Resist the temptation of becoming a Know-It-All yourself. It will only serve to entrench the Know-It-All more firmly.
Don’t resent the Know-It-All: It’s not in the Know-It-All’s nature to get a second opinion. Resentments will only lead to an argument, which is pointless.
Don’t force your ideas on the Know-It-All: Train yourself to be flexible, patient, and very clever about how you present your ideas.
“Seldom in doubt, the Know-It-All has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. If something goes wrong, however, the Know-It-All will speak with the same authority about who’s to blame-you!”
Bring out the best in the Think- They-Know-It-All
People who behave like Think-They-Know-It-Alls are driven by the need to get appreciation. When they feel slighted in any way, they’re likely to try harder than ever to attract attention. Think-They-Know-It- Alls push their way into conversations where they may not be wanted.
Your goal when dealing with Think-They-Know-It-Alls is to catch them in their act and give their bad ideas the hook. You’ll be most successful if you can avoid putting the Think-They-Know-It-All on the defensive. Here’s an action plan for bringing out the best in Think- They-Know-It-Alls.
Give them a little attention. There are two ways to give a Think-They- Know-It-All attention. The first is to backtrack on his or her comments with enthusiasm. This lets the person know that you’re paying attention (and it puts these types on the receiving end of their own foolishness). The second way is to acknowledge the person’s positive intent, without wasting your time on his or her information: you’re giving positive attention without necessarily agreeing with his or her remarks.
Clarify for specifics. If the person doesn’t know what he or she is talking about and you do, this should be easy. Ask some revealing questions about the specifics of his or her information. Since Think- They-Know-It-Alls speak in huge generalizations, pay special attention to words like “everybody” and “always.”
Tell it like it is: Carefully redirect the conversation back to reality. Use “I” language to keep your remarks as nonthreatening as possible. To add irrefutable evidence, you can document your facts as you go.
Give them a break. At this point, it has become clear that the Think- They-Know-It-All doesn’t know what he or she is talking about and that you do. Resist the temptation to embarrass the person. Instead, give him or her a way out, minimizing the chance that the Think-They-Know-It- All will go on the defensive. Think-They-Know-It-Alls are not as attached to their ideas as Know-It-Alls. If you give them a way to go along with you, chances are they’ll be ready to jump on your bandwagon.
Break the cycle. Once people believe someone is just a Think-They- Know-It-All, they may stop giving that person any recognition at all, even when he or she deserves it. But that increases the Think-They- Know-It-All’s need for appreciation, so he or she engages in that behavior even more. “Break the cycle” means be ready to give credit where credit is due. Notice what this problem person is doing right and praise him or her for it. For some people, this attention will be all that’s necessary to get the problem behavior to subside. With others, use a gentle confrontation to tell them the truth about the consequences of their negative behavior.
Adjust your attitude:
Don’t burst their bubble: When you challenge Think-They-Know-It- Alls directly, their only way out is to counterattack with ever grander claims. And their conviction could sway others who don’t know any better.
Don’t be too quick to judge: We’ve all defended ideas that we didn’t necessarily believe to be true.
Don’t be tempted to stretch the truth in the other direction: You could end up losing your credibility! Restrain the urge to “show up” Think- They-Know-It-Alls. Move beyond their petty interruptions.
“Think-They-Know-It-Alls can’t fool all of the people all of the time, but they can fool some of the people enough of the time and enough of the people all of the time-all for the sake of getting some attention”
Bring out the best in the Grenade
When a person’s efforts to get appreciation are thwarted by another’s indifference, he or she may explode in a thinly disguised demand for attention. Losing emotional control is a defense strategy against the feeling of unimportance-a strategy frequently employed by the Grenade.
If, as an adult in a group, you’ve ever lost control of yourself, you know how humiliating this can be. Grenades hate themselves for their behavior-but this self-hatred often becomes the timing device that provokes the next explosion. This volatile cycle can continue unchecked, meaning that an ounce of prevention can be worth far more than a pound of cure! Here are the five steps to bringing out the best in the Grenade.
Get the Grenade’s attention. This is the one time you may have to be louder than your problem person ... but don’t let it seem aggressive. Call his or her name loudly, but in a tone of voice that’s interested rather than angry.
Aim for the heart. Show your genuine concern by telling your problem person what he or she needs to hear. By listening closely, you can determine the cause of the explosion, then backtrack while assuring the person of your concern. When you hit the heart, you’ll be surprised at how quickly the Grenade cools down.
Reduce intensity. When you see the Grenade responding, begin to reduce your voice volume and intensity. You can talk the person down from his or her peak of explosion to a normal level of communication by reducing the intensity level of your own communications.
Take time off for bad behavior. There’s no point in trying to have a reasonable conversation with your problem person while the adrenaline is still coursing. So take a little time out and let things cool the rest of the way down. Then ask to get back together to work things out. Avoid setting off the Grenade. This step addresses the long-term relationship and is, therefore, the most important in dealing with your problem person. Try to figure out what pulls the pin on your Grenade ... and then don’t pull it! If you discover that the pin-puller is someone else in the office, training in interpersonal communication and conflict resolution might be helpful.
Adjust your attitude:
Release your anger: Adding your anger to an already volatile situation will simply be pouring gas on a raging fire.
Learn to look at the Grenade in a different way: Sometimes it can help to imagine the tantrum thrower as a two-year-old in diapers. Adjusting your perception of the Grenade will give you some much needed distance on the situation.
Listen to the Grenade: Whatever the cause of the explosions, if you’re willing to invest a little time in actively listening to the problems the Grenade faces, you will slowly be able to reduce the frequency and intensity of the explosions.
“After a brief period of calm, the Grenade explodes into unfocused ranting and raving about things that have nothing to do with the present circumstances.”
Bring out the best in the Yes Person
Yes People have a strong people focus and a weak task focus. They are extremely disorganized and frequently overcommit themselves as they try to run their lives based on the desires of other people. Sometimes they don’t know how to follow through on something they’ve agreed to do; more often than not, they don’t think about the consequences of what they’re agreeing to do.
Yes People feel terrible when they can’t deliver something they’ve promised. Yet they rarely feel responsible, because they can always find circumstances beyond their control that have caused the trouble.
Your goal with the Yes Person is to get commitments you can count on. Here are five steps to bringing out the best in the Yes Person.
Make it safe to be honest. Through nonverbal blending and verbal reassurance, make sure your communication environment is safe, so that you and your Yes Person can honestly examine whether he or she will keep promises. As the person becomes more comfortable with you, his or her true thoughts and feelings will surface more easily.
Talk honestly. If you think the Yes Person is angry or resentful about something or believes the excuses he or she is spinning, talk it out. Hear the person out without contradicting, jumping to conclusions, or taking offense. Acknowledge him or her for being honest.
Help them learn to plan. Once you’ve listened to your Yes Person’s point of view, it will be obvious to you why the person can’t deliver on his or her commitments. This is the time to create a learning opportunity. Teaching your Yes Person simple task-management skills is a better use of your energy than getting upset at the person when he or she can’t deliver!
Ensure commitment. Thank your Yes Person for communicating openly with you and ask how he or she will approach the situation differently next time.
In future projects, make sure the Yes Person is committed at the beginning. Have him or her summarize the project to demonstrate an understanding of what’s involved. Write the commitment down. You may even come up with memorable deadlines to ensure that the time- frame will stick. Finally, be sure to describe the negative consequences should your Yes Person fail to deliver.
Strengthen the relationship. Look at every interaction as a chance to strengthen the relationship. Make an event out of every completed commitment and see mistakes and broken promises as an opportunity to help the Yes Person develop his or her skills.
Adjust your attitude:
Don’t place blame: Blaming the Yes Person will simply make him or her ashamed, the behavior will continue as the person promises you anything he or she thinks will placate you.
Be patient: Recognize that your Yes Person is lacking organizational skills and is unable to recognize or fix this without help. Once you’ve helped the Yes Person develop task skills, his or her helpful nature will make that person the best teammate you could hope for.
Help with task management: Ask the Yes Person to explain the basics of the project, the tasks involved, and any negative consequences if he or she doesn’t meet the commitment. Then, help him or her plan toward the deadlines, to establish a timeframe.
“To please people and avoid confrontations, Yes People say “Yes’ without thinking things through. They react to the latest demands on their time by forgetting prior commitments and overcommit until they have no time for themselves. Then they become resentful.”
Bring out the best in the Maybe Person
Decisive people know that every decision has a downside and an upside and are able to weigh these possibilities as they make the best decision possible. Maybe People, by contrast, are unable to make decisions, especially when the consequences of their decisions could affect other people in a way that might lose them approval. So they put off the difficult decision, hoping that a better choice will come up. Unfortunately, with most decisions there comes a point when it’s too late to choose: the decision just happens.
Maybe People have plenty of reasons for not getting help; they don’t want to bother or upset anyone and they don’t want to be the cause of anything going wrong. Your goal when dealing with a Maybe Person is to give him or her a strategy for making decisions and the motivation to use it. Here are five steps to bring out the best in your Maybe Person.
Establish a comfort zone. When you’re dealing with people in the get along quadrant, your best bet is to develop a comfort zone around the decision-making process. Take your time. Reassure the Maybe Person that you believe relationships are improved by open communication.
Surface conflicts and clarify options. Patiently explore, from the Maybe Person’s point of view, all of the options and obstacles involved in the decision. Listen for words of hesitation like “probably,” “that could be,” and “I think so” as signals to explore more deeply. If the person is worried about how you will feel should he or she decide something, provide reassurance that you will be fine and it won’t adversely affect your relationship.
Use a decision-making process. If you have a process that works well for you, teach it to your problem person. It could be as simple as listing with him or her all the pluses and minuses of each of the possibilities. Seeing these in a concrete form may make the strongest choice more obvious.
Reassure and follow through. Once the decision has been made, reassure the Maybe Person that there are no perfect decisions and that his or her decision is a good one. Then stay in touch until the decision is implemented.
Strengthen the relationship. Take a few moments from time to time to listen to the Maybe Person’s concerns and help him or her learn the decision-making process whenever the opportunity arises. With patient investment, the Maybe Person may become one of your most dependable decision makers.
Adjust your attitude:
Don’t push the Maybe Person: Irritation, impatience, or anger will simply make the decision that much more difficult.
Be patient: If your Maybe Person feels pressured, he or she won’t be able to relax and think clearly.
Stay calm: Intensity or intimidation will drive Maybe People deeper into their wishy-washy behavior. Even if you can force a decision, they will probably change their minds as soon as they’re pressured by someone with a different agenda.
“In a moment of decision, the Maybe Person procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present itself. Sadly, with most decisions, there comes a point when it
is too little, too late, and the decision makes itself.”
Bring out the best in the Nothing Person
Nothing People are passive, but can be task-focused or people- focused depending on their intent-get it right or get along. When the intent to get along is threatened, shy people tend to withdraw and become ever more passive. When get it right Nothing People see their quest for perfection thwarted, they get frustrated and withdraw, convinced that nothing will change the situation, no matter what they say or do.
Although Nothing People seem to withdraw from conflict, inside they can be boiling cauldrons of hostility. Silence can be their form of aggression. Your goal with a Nothing Person is to break this silence and persuade him or her to talk. Here is a surefire five-step process to break your Nothing Person’s silence.
Plan enough time. Dealing successfully with a Nothing Person may take a long time. If you’re tense because of time constraints, you may be too intense to draw him or her out. The more intense you get, the deeper the Nothing Person withdraws into nothing. So pick the time and place for approaching your Nothing Person so that you have the time it takes.
Ask open-ended questions expectantly. The best question for a Nothing Person is one that can’t be answered with a yes, a no, or a grunt. Ask questions that begin with a “Who,” “What,” “When,” “Where,” or “How” to open up topics for discussion. Make sure that your non-verbal communication is also asking for a response. You must look and sound like you’re about to get an answer. We call this the “expectant look”-and it works.
Lighten it up. When nothing else is working, a little humor can go a long way. Making absurd, exaggerated, and impossible guesses as to the cause of the silence has cracked the armor of some of the most intransigent Nothing People.
Guess. If your Nothing Person still isn’t responding, try putting yourself in his or her shoes and thinking back over the course of events as to what that person might be feeling. Start talking out loud, rattling off possibilities whether they seem plausible or far out. It doesn’t matter. If you can hit on or near the reason for the silence, the person will figure the jig is up and he or she might as well start talking. If you don’t come close, the Nothing Person may figure you don’t have a clue and feel compelled to tell you what is going on.
Show the future. Sometimes the only way to get Nothing People talking is to take them out of the moment and show them the consequences of their continued silence. Don’t make idle threats, but be clear about how their behavior could damage the project or your relationship. Adjust your attitude:
Slow down: The biggest challenge with a Nothing Person is to find the time to deal with him or her. To get something from a Nothing Person, you must be calm and relaxed.
Understand the intent: Nothing People can be task-focused, if their intent is to get it right, or people-focused, if their intent is to get along. Determine what matters.
Avoid getting angry: Your Nothing Person is trying to avoid conflict and disapproval. Getting angry will simply push a Nothing Person deeper into his or her nothingness.
“No verbal feedback, no nonverbal feedback. Nothing. What else could you expect from ... the Nothing Person?”
Bring out the best in the No Person
The No Person is task-focused, motivated by the intent to get it right by avoiding mistakes. Perfection is his or her standard: when shortcomings get in the way, the No Person despairs and finds negatives in everyone and everything.
When dealing with a No Person, your task is to move from fault finding toward problem solving. It may be impossible to stop the flood of negativity completely, but you may be able to turn the tide. Here are five steps to dealing successfully with a No Person.
Go with the flow. The worst thing you can do with No People is to try to convince them that things aren’t as bad as they think they are. The first step in dealing with No People is to allow them to be as negative as they want to be.
Use them as a resource. No People can serve two valuable purposes in your life. First, they can be your personal character builders. If you want to build strength, you lift heavy weights. If you want to build a positive attitude, spend some time being positive with a No Person.
No People can also serve as an early warning system. Amid the negativity, there are often grains of truth. The No Person is sometimes aware of substantial problems that others have overlooked. We know of one company that has a No Person on its executive staff. By running every new plan by her, they often find flaws that might otherwise have been overlooked.
Leave the door open. No People tend to operate in a different time reality from other people. Any effort to rush them may actually slow them down. The wisest course of action with No People is to give them time to think, and leave the door open so that they can come back in when they’re ready.
Go for the polarity response. Sometimes, you can turn the tables on your No Person by suggesting the negative alternatives before he or she does. In such cases, No People may respond positively-either because they’re convinced by your approach that you’re dealing with the problem realistically or because they’re so incurably negative that they want to prove you wrong even if they agree with you.
Acknowledge their good intent. Assume and project good intent onto negative behavior, like “Thanks for pointing out problems so we can all come up with solutions” or “I appreciate that you want this to be right.” Through Pygmalion Power, the No Person may come to believe it. This can lead the person to use his or her analytical perfectionism in a more constructive-and less difficult-way.
Adjust your attitude:
Maintain your perspective: There’s usually some bad history involved when people behave negatively. You don’t need to know what the circumstances are, but try to keep the No Person’s actions in perspective..
Be patient: It may sometimes appear that changes take place at a snail’s pace. But if you are patient, there are few things as gratifying as people conquering their negative behavior.
Appreciate the No Person: He or she may bring up points worth considering, if you’re wise enough to sort through the negativity. Just because the No Person goes to extremes doesn’t mean that he or she is wrong.
“More deadly to morale than a speeding bullet, more powerful than hope, able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable. Disguised as a mild-mannered normal person, the No Person fights a never-ending battle for futility, hopelessness, and despair.”
Bring out the best in the Whiner
While some complaining can be therapeutic for the complainer, and some can even be helpful to the listener, lots of complaining is simply wallowing. This is the Whiner’s specialty. The Whiner’s complaints have little to do with stress relief and are rarely helpful. Whiners are cousins to the No People, in the sense that their actions also emerge from the intent to get it right. But while they have a sense that things should be different, they have no idea how this should happen. So instead of taking action, they whine.
Your goal with Whiners is to form a problem-solving alliance. (And if this doesn’t work, your revised goal is to get them to go away!) The best thing you can do for people who feel helpless when they encounter difficulty is to diminish their helplessness, by working with them to identify solutions. Here are five action steps to work successfully with a Whiner.
Listen for the main points. Listening to a Whiner complain is probably the last thing you want to do. But it’s a crucial first step. You may even want to take notes. This proves to the Whiner that you’re listening and it will ensure that you recognize the complaint if the Whiner tries to recycle it.
Interrupt and get specific. Take command of the conversation and ask clarification questions to get the specifics of the problem. If your Whiner isn’t able to be specific, suggest that he or she go out and gather more information.
Shift the focus to solutions. Because Whiners often complain in vague generalizations, they don’t usually look at problems long enough to start thinking about solutions. Asking them what they want can start to move their minds in an entirely new direction.
Show them the future. When people feel helpless, it’s constructive to give them something to look forward to. Offer to set up a meeting with the person they’re complaining about or simply set a time to discuss the problem further. You may find it helpful to suggest that they come back to you with possible solutions within a specific time frame.
Draw the line. If the previous steps haven’t produced a real change, it may become necessary to draw the line. If your Whiner begins the cycle of complaints again, shut him or her down. Make it clear that talking about problems without solutions isn’t a good use of your time ... or anyone’s.
Adjust your attitude:
Don’t agree or disagree with Whiners: If you agree, it simply encourages them to keep whining. If you disagree, they may feel compelled to repeat their problems.
Don’t try to solve Whiners’ problems: You won’t be able to solve their problems for them; you’ll need their participation.
Don’t ask Whiners why they’re complaining: They’ll simply see this as an invitation to start over from the beginning.
“Whiners feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is perfection, and no one and nothing measures up to it. But misery loves company, so they bring their problems to you. Offering solutions makes you bad company, so their whining escalates.”
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