你害怕女人吗？读读这个……

(翻译David DeAngelo 的每周邮件)

你害怕女人吗？读读这个……


是什么使一个男人缺少女人缘？我可以列出一大堆的原因。

但是在这些原因当中， 恐惧是最重要的一个。

在很多情况下男人会感到恐惧，但我要说的是其中最常见的，以及，如何对付它。

在这之前，我希望你能诚实的面对这个话题。

在面对女人和约会时，你感到过 害怕吗？

你是否想接近她，但是你感到害怕，怕到什么都不敢做？

在约会时，你是否想吻她，但是你很害怕，就怕一旦做错什么，你就没机会了？

或者你已经拿到她的电话号码，但你不敢打电话，因为你不知道说些什么，不知道怎么约她出来？

甚至，你已经坐下，拿起电话正在拨她的号码，但你不得不停下来，因为你紧张的要命，话都没法说？

  Or out on a date with a woman, and you wanted
to kiss her, but you got so nervous at the thought
that you just decided it would be better to forget
the whole idea and hope for the best...?

我也是。实际上，曾经有过很多次。

顺便提一下，对一个人来说，承认自己害怕某种东西可不是件 光彩的事。

男人们甚至宁愿承认自己的性取向有问题，也不敢承认自己害怕女人。

然而，如果不 首先承认自身的问题的话，你只会把事情弄的更糟。

如果你不能面对自身的问题，你就很难得到帮助并解决它。

好消息是，这样的人不止你一个。

差不多我认识的所有人（包括我自己）都 不止一次的经历过这道坎。

所以，第一步就是 克服它。克服你不愿承认自己害怕的态度。只需要承认你害怕，承认你和大家一样……

第二步，就是承认你想搞定它，你想克服这个弱点。

第三步就是 做点什么。

一旦你认识到事情没那么严重，那么情况就开始改善了。换句话说，如果你还不愿意承认你的恐惧，你就只能继续找一些小点子用在女人身上，当然，它们起不到任何实质效果。

我个人认为，导致这种恐惧的最大因素就是：

过于看重对方对你的看法，以及如果她这样看你，她会怎么做。

换句话说，多数小伙子们不敢有所行动，是因为怕把事情搞砸，或者怕她及周围的人会对自己有看法。

而真正的问题，在于这些想法是 自然而然产生的。多数小伙子在第一眼被对方迷住时就成了这幅样子。他们甚至还没来得及进行理智的思考，就变得紧张，无助，失落。

我知道你 真正明白我的意思。

  As humans, we have these incredible minds and
bodies, but sometimes they get wired up in ways
that aren't exactly useful for the situations that
we find ourselves in. Worse, sometimes our
cultures, families, or peer groups teach us ways
of thinking that just aren't useful at all for
what we'd like to accomplish.

  I thought about this idea that I was having
this instant, automatic fear in different
situations with women, and that what I was really
thinking was "I don't want to screw this up" and
"I don't want her to think that I'm a dork"...

于是突然我有了这么一个想法：

其实这根本就无所谓。

不管发生什么都无所谓。不管她怎么看我都无所谓。

我才认识到，这种恐惧不过是 自发产生的，并没有什么实际的东西值得我害怕。

于是我开始不断的提醒自己，根本没有什么值得害怕的，我要的不是什么完美的结局。 我只是在学习。

把事情的结果看的太重，和以学习的态度来对待事情。想想看这两种态度之间的区别。

打个比方，当我遇见一个女人并且想接近她时，我不会这样想：“好，我要说点什么迷人的，好让她喜欢上我。……要是她不吃这一套，我就没法收场了。”

我会想：“我要学着怎么在几分钟之内搞到她的电话号码。这只是一个尝试，不一定能得手，但吃一堑长一智，我总会有所提高的。”

注意到它们的不同之处没有？

让我告诉你，这种态度的转变带来的是非常不同的结果。我现在能够尝试那些我以前因为害怕而不敢尝试的东西了。

正因为我怀着学习的态度，我要的是得到提高，所以 这次是否成功并不重要。而且，我进步得很快。

我越是怀着这种态度，我成功的机会就越大，从第一次见面，然后到约会，甚至变得更亲密……

所以听我的，象这样：

马上出门，跟一个女人聊天。

不管她是不是对你的胃口。

你要的不是来次约会，你要的只是从中学到点东西。

你想真的有所快速改善的话，那么去花一整天时间和女人谈话，但是 不要弄任何电话号码，也不要定任何约会。

换句话说， 无论如何你都不准跟当天的女人约会。

看看你是不是能对走过你身边的女人来点简单的，比方打个招呼；如何保持与对方对视，直到她移开视线；如何提前终止谈话，使得她不自觉的感到空虚，然后主动和你继续谈……

这就是克服你的恐惧的一个好方式。



附原文：
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Are You AFRAID Of Women? Read This...

  What prevents men from being successful with
women?

  Well, the list goes on and on... but one of the
elements that TOPS the list is FEAR.

  There are many different situations that make
men feel fear, but I'd like to talk about some of
the most common ones... and what to do about them.

  First of all, I'd like you to be honest for a
moment about this topic.

  Do you ever feel FEAR when it comes to women
and dating?

  Have you ever seen a woman that you'd really
like to meet, but you started to feel fear and
didn't do anything about it?

  Or maybe you were on a date and you wanted to
kiss a woman... but you felt too afraid because
you didn't want to make a mistake and screw up
your chances?

  Or maybe you even got a woman's phone number,
but you were too afraid to call back because you
didn't know how to start off the conversation or
ask her out?

  Cummon, seriously...

  Have you ever been sitting there with the phone
in your hand, dialing a woman's number, but you
had to hang up because you were just too nervous
to even talk to her...?

  Or out on a date with a woman, and you wanted
to kiss her, but you got so nervous at the thought
that you just decided it would be better to forget
the whole idea and hope for the best...?

  Me too. Many times, in fact.

  By the way, it's not exactly FUN to admit that
you're afraid of things.

  I'm sure you know that most guys would rather
admit in public that they were unsure about their
sexual orientation than that they were afraid of
women.

  Of course, this unwillingness to admit that you
have a problem IN THE FIRST PLACE only makes
matters worse...

  If you don't admit that you have the problem,
then it's hard to get help and answers to it.

  Well, the good news is that you're not alone.

  Almost every guy I've known (including myself)
has dealt with this issue MANY TIMES with women.

  So, STEP 1 is to GET OVER IT. Get over your
need to deny that you're afraid. Just admit that
you're afraid, and come to grips with the fact
that you're human...

  STEP 2 is to admit that you'd like to get this
particular area of your life handled.

  STEP 3 is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

  Once you realize that it's not that big of a
deal, then the improvement can start. On the other
hand, if you just stay in denial about it, you'll
probably just look for new tricks and techniques
to use on women... which, of course, won't lead to
any REAL improvement.

  I personally think that one of the biggest
causes of fear when it comes to situations with
women is:

  PUTTING TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE ON WHAT THE WOMAN
THINKS OF YOU AND WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT PARTICULAR
SITUATION.

  To put it in different words, most guys don't
take action because they're afraid that they'll
screw up, or that the woman or others around will
judge them.

  The REAL problem though is that this whole
process has become AUTOMATIC, and it happens
INSTANTLY the moment most guys see a woman that
they'd like to meet. Before they even have a
chance to think about the situation rationally,
they've become nervous, insecure, and upset.

  I'm sure you know EXACTLY what I'm talking
about.

  As humans, we have these incredible minds and
bodies, but sometimes they get wired up in ways
that aren't exactly useful for the situations that
we find ourselves in. Worse, sometimes our
cultures, families, or peer groups teach us ways
of thinking that just aren't useful at all for
what we'd like to accomplish.

  Here's something that I realized a few years
ago when I was learning for myself how to be
successful with women...

  I thought about this idea that I was having
this instant, automatic fear in different
situations with women, and that what I was really
thinking was "I don't want to screw this up" and
"I don't want her to think that I'm a dork"...

  And all of a sudden something dawned on me:

  IT DOESN'T MATTER.

  It doesn't matter what happens, and it doesn't
matter what she thinks of me.

  I realized that the fears I was experiencing
were more from PROGRAMMING than from reality.

  So, I started to remind myself as often as
possible that the fear wasn't happening because
there was any kind of danger... and that my
objective in a particular situation wasn't to have
it turn out perfect, IT WAS TO LEARN.

  Think about the difference between doing
something because it's important vs. doing
something in order to LEARN.

  So, for instance, if I saw a woman that I
wanted to meet... instead of thinking, "OK, I have
to say something charming and original so she'll
like me... and if I screw up I'm going to be
embarrassed" - I began to think things like, "I'm
going to learn how to get a woman's phone number
within a few minutes of meeting her... and part of
learning this is going to be trying a lot of
different things that probably aren't going to
work... but in the end, it's all going to even out
because I'm going to have the SKILL that I want."

  See the difference?

  Well, let me tell you, that change in attitude
made a HUGE impact on my success. I was willing to
do and try things that I never would have tried in
the past for fear of screwing up...

  All because I had the attitude of "I'm going to
learn something from this and improve my skills...
and it doesn't matter what happens in THIS
PARTICULAR situation", I was able to improve very
rapidly.

  And the more I began to apply this idea, the
more success I had in ALL areas with women... from
the first meeting, to getting them to go out with
me, to taking things to a physical level.

  So do this:

  Go out RIGHT NOW and start a conversation with
a woman.

  I don't care if she's attractive or not.

  But instead of having the objective of getting
a date, have the objective of LEARNING SOMETHING.

  In fact, if you REALLY want to improve fast, go
spend a day starting conversations with women, but
make the commitment to NOT get any phone numbers
or dates all day.

  In other words, no matter WHAT happens, you
can't date any of the women that you meet that
day.

  See if you can just learn how to do a few
simple things like say, "Hi" to every woman that
walks by... how to maintain eye contact with women
until THEY look away... and how to end a
conversation "too soon" so she feels a natural
vacuum and tries to keep it going herself...

  That's one good idea for dealing with your
fears.