104 The One With George Stephanopoulos

104The One With George Stephanopoulos

[Scene: Central Perk, everyoneis there except Joey.]

Monica: Alright. Phoebe?

Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!

Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you?

Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.

Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking)"If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (Joey enters.)

All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.

Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you doif you were omnipotent?

Joey: Probably kill myself!

Monica: ..Excuse me?

Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live!

Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.

Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross andMonica are watching Phoebe sleep.]

Monica: How does she do that?

Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.

Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.

Phoebe: (waking and startling them)Oh! What what what! ...Hi.

Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.

Monica: What's going on with you?

Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: My grandmother has this newboyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a goodtime. You have no idea how loud they are!

Monica: Well, if you want, you can staywith Rachel and me tonight.

Phoebe: Thanks.

(Chandler and Joey enter.  Joey iscounting his steps.)

Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six,ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place tohere.

Chandler: You got waaaay too much freetime.

Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's thebirthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight atthe Garden, and we're taking you.

Chandler: Happy birthday, pal!

Joey: We love you, man. (KissesRoss)

Ross: Funny, my birthday was sevenmonths ago.

Joey: So?

Ross: So, I'm guessing you had anextra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?

Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "Theglass is half empty."

Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today thetwentieth, October twentieth?

Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn'tremember.

Ross: Ohhh.

Joey: What's wrong with thetwentieth?

Chandler: Eleven days beforeHalloween.. all the good costumes are gone?

Ross: Today's the day Carol and Ifirst.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..Youknow what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home andthink about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.

Joey: The hell with hockey, let'sall do that!

Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving)C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy,(Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ross: What are you doing?

Chandler: (stops) I have no idea.

Joey: C'mon, Ross!

Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'lltake my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger?

Chandler: You got it.

(Rachel runs up cluching anenvelope.)

Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, myfirst pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!

Phoebe: I remember the day I got myfirst pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people werekilled.

Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine?

Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen,why?

Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? Iearned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it wastotally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all mymoney? I mean, what- Chandler,look at that.

Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is notthat bad.

Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for afirst job.

Ross: You can totally, totally liveon this.

Monica: Yeah, yeah.

Ross: Oh, by the way, great servicetonight.

All: Oh! Yeah!

(They all get their walletsout and give generous tips.)

Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave butare blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne.  Theguys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)

Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?

Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie,Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.

Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seenbirds do this on Wild Kingdom.

Rachel: What are you guys doing here?

Kiki: Well, we were in the cityshopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!

Joanne: Look at you in the apron. Youlook like you're in a play.

Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Lookat you, you are so big I can't believe it!

Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.

Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's goingon with you?

Joanne: Well, guess who my dad'smaking partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)

Kiki: And while we're on thesubject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring andthey all scream again.)

Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, Ihave elbows! (They scream.)

[Scene: A Street, Chandlerand Joey are kicking a can to each other.]

Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up toLeetch! (Passes it to Joey.)

Joey: Leetch spots Messier in thecrease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shopwindow.)

Chandler: We'll take a brief time outwhile Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.

Ross: Carol was wearing boots justlike those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she nevertook'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler'slook) Sorry. Sorry.

(They walk on.  Chandler and Joey startto talk but Ross stops and whines.)

Joey: What?

Ross: Peach pit.

Chandler: Yes, Bunny?

Ross: (points) Peach pit. Thatnight we, uh- we had-

Joey: -Peaches?

Ross: Actually, nectarines, butbasically...

Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been apeach.

Ross: Then, uh, then we gotdressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -thebus stop... I'm fine.

Joey: Hey, that woman's got an asslike Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to findstuff.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel,Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]

Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell meall the dirt!

Kiki: Well, the biggest news isstill you dumping Barry at the altar!

Joanne: Alright. Let's talk realityfor a second.

Rachel: Okay.

Joanne: When are you coming home?

Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.

Joanne: C'mon, this is us.

Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'mdoing now. I've got this job-

Kiki: Waitressing?

Rachel: Okay, I'm not justwaitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and,uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um,sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.

Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell usabout the blobbies.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blenderas Rachel enters.]

Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it withyour friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki DeathPunch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)

Rachel: What's that?

Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and-

Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender andstarts to drink.)

Monica: We thought since Phoebe wasstaying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got sometrashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we gotTwister... (The phonerings and Monica answers it.)

Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation!But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!

Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa cardpeople.

Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what theywant.

Monica: (on phone) Could you pleasetell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um,they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.

Rachel: But I haven't used my card inweeks!

Monica: That is the unusualactivity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.

Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay.Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICAguys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or gettingpromoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even forme! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay,okay?

Monica: (pauses then on the phone)Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?

Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably)Let's play Twister!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys aretrying to find their seats.]

Ross: (squeezing past people)Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.

Chandler: What? There was ice therethat night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?

Ross: No, actually I was justsaying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, therewasice there that night... It was the first frost...

Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down,sit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,they're all hanging out in the living room.]

Monica: You should feel great aboutyourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!

Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? Igave up, like, everything. And for what?

Phoebe: You are just like Jack.

Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?

Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.

Monica: Ah, the other Jack.

Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave upsomething, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and therewas this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff..And he lived in a village, and you live inthe Village..

Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs,Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know Ididn't love him-

Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love thecow.

Rachel: But see, it was a plan.Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kindalike...

Phoebe: Floopy?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: So what, you're not the onlyone. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gottafigure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be...un-floopy.

Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.

Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if-what if it doesn't come together?

Monica: ...Pheebs?

Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... youjust... I don't like this question.

Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys,what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?

[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys arewatching the game.]

Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get-YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!

Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that'sall you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.

Ross: Pass it! Pass it!

Chandler: He's open!

All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

(The player shoots and the puckflies off the rink and hits Ross in the face.  Chandler looks concered until he notices...)

Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TVthing!

(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave atthe TV thing.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey areleading Ross in.]

Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuseme.

Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is onthe phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied withthis candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of anemergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.(The receptionist glares at him.)

Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out,sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)

Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, Idon't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? Myface isdented.

Receptionist: Well, you'll have to waityour turn.

Joey: Well, how long do you thinkit'll be?

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.

Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him alook and the guys back off) Heyy...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,the slumber party continues.]

Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. Ididn't mean to bring you down.

Monica: No, you were right. I don'thave a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)

Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizzaguy!

Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes toanswer the door.)

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: Do you have a plan?

Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.

Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, greenpepper and onion?

Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that'snot what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.

Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!

Monica: (leaping off of the couch andruns up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'

Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes acrossthe street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!

Monica: Wait, was this a-a smallmediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?

Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds aboutright.

Monica: Was he wearing a stunningblue suit?

Phoebe: And-and a power tie?

Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.

Monica: (staggered) Oh God.

Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to takethis back?

Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got GeorgeStephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runsto the window.)

Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's GeorgeSnuffalopagus?

Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

Monica: I see pizza!

Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see!Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)

Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?

Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy?The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?

Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh,I love him!

Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see awoman.

Monica: Please tell me it's hismother.

Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.

Monica: Oh, no...

Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walkingacross the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza-(Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with herhand walks away from the window.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room,Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads.  Chandler realises it's getting tense and goesto the receptionist again.]

Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've beenhere for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gonein. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slidesthe gladd panel over and Chandlertalks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know weboth said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't loveeach other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (Sheslides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,the girls are all out on the balcony.]

Monica: Light still out?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping.

Rachel: Oh please, they're havingsex.

Monica and Phoebe: Shut up!

Rachel: So, whaddya think George islike?

Monica: I think he's shy.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. I think you have todraw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal.

[Scene: The Emergency Room,Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]

Ross: I remember the moonlightcoming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.

Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, themagical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here,please?

Joey: He's right, enough, already.What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, sowhat? You slept with her for seven years after that.

Ross: Look, it's just a little morecomplicated...

Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it?That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another womanthat likes women?

Ross: Little louder, okay, I thinkthere's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...

Chandler: Then what?

Ross: My first time with Carolwas... (He mumbles the last part)

Joey: What?

Ross: It was my first time.

Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him alook.) Oh.

Chandler: So in your whole life, you'veonly been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.

Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a bigmistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,the girls are still out on the balcony.]

Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do youremember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Well, unless goose is avegetable...ha haaaah!

Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine.Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.

Monica: What?! You slept with Jason?

Phoebe: You'd already broken up.

Rachel: How long?

Phoebe: A couple hours.

Monica: Oh, that's nice!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one!(She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.)Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.

Monica: Excuse me?!

Rachel: Hello? Like he was reallygonna send you one? (To Phoebe) She was abig girl.

Monica: Really. Well, at least 'biggirls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade!

Rachel: I was laughing! You made melaugh! (Monica and Rachel start to squabble)

Phoebe: There he is! There he is!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Right- where we've beenlooking all night!

Rachel: He is so cute!

Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop thetowel!

All: Yeah, drop it! Drop thetowel! Please drop the—(pause)—wowww.

[Scene: The Emergency Room,Ross is absent.]

Joey: Man. Can you believe he'sonly had sex with one woman?

Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know,it's sweet, it's romantic...

Joey: Really?

Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's afreak.. (Ross enters off camera)

Both: Hey, buddy.

Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece ofsteel bandaged to his nose.  He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)

Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that'sattractive.

Chandler: Oh, I thought you were greatin Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you hadfun tonight.

Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tellme specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?

Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.

Ross: The kid...? (To the kid)Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.

Kid: I found it. Finders keepers,losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandlerfor help.)

Chandler: You gotta do it, man.

Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well,I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can'tdo it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.

Kid: No.

Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere.Gimme!

Kid: No! No! (They start to fightover it.)

Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding inmy ER!

Ross: (tries to snatch it from thekid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out thereceptionist)

Ross: ...Now that was fun.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,Joey and the girls are playing twister.]

Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay,Monica: Right foot red.

Monica: Could've played Monopoly,but nooooo.

(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, andsilently hands back the cushion.)

Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods andleaves)

Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right handblue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively)

(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)

Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it'sthe Visa card people.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take myplace?

Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, thisis Rachel.

Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phoneand Chandlertakes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know,I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay,really.

Ross: Green. To the green.

Rachel: (on phone) I've got magicbeans. (Listens) Never-never mind.

Chandler: To the left, to the left-aww! (They all collapse)

Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.

End