死亡结束生命，却不会结束一段关系

CarraBeatriceChloe养老工作室

Death ends a life – it does not end a relationship

前言：在我们的生命历程中，不可避免地经历失去；失去亲人、面对死亡。文中讲到了一家人失去宠物狗后的状态，和如何引发对于死亡的思考。

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我发现了Scarlet（斯佳丽），我们的阿拉斯加哈士奇小狗在6个月大的时候患有遗传性癫痫。由于我没找到有效的治疗方法，她的癫痫病成了抗药性，并且经常发作。看着她一次又一次从抽搐中醒来，让人心痛万分。2011年夏天，我决定让Scarlet安乐死，这样她就能从更大的痛苦中解脱出来。如果当时上海有兽医，知道如何救治患有癫痫的狗，她本可以活得更久。

施密特等人说，儿童对宠物的依恋在其整个生命发展过程中都会发生变化，这会对他们的悲伤经历产生重大影响。Pascal（我儿子）在对待Scarlet的死亡时表现出了更大的认知成熟度，相比经历Gigi去世经历的悲痛；Gigi是我们的吉娃娃。Pascal四岁的时候Gigi死了。Pascal哭了几天几夜，要求把Gigi的玩具、狗粮和零食撒得到处都是，这样就让她能闻到气味，找到回家的路。我妈妈说所有的小孩（3到5岁）在良好的精神状态下都有特殊的自然感觉。所以，我支持她的说法，并允许我四岁孩子发挥想象力，以便有良好的精神待在家里。

当失去某人或宠物时，我们每个人都有自己处理悲伤的过程。直到今天，我都很后悔当初和Scarlet在一起时没有好好宠爱她。如果时光倒流我就不会因为她咬我的鞋子、皮沙发、包包而对她大喊大叫和打屁股了。在Scarlet去世后的几天，我们不得不因为妈妈太伤心而送到医院急诊室。还有，我们的日本尖嘴狗；Saki是Scarlet最好的朋友，在她去世后，陷入抑郁好几天不喝水不吃饭。当时我8岁的儿子告诉我们，如果上海有很好的癫痫治疗方法，或者认识一个很好的狗脑外科医生，Scarlet的死是可以避免的。

在Scarlet去世两周后，我们都认识到死亡是一个不可逆、不可避免的生物学过程。让Scarlet和我们家里每个人之间的情感纽带持续不断，是我们每个人独特唯一的体验。面对Scarlet的死亡也深深地影响了我母亲对死亡的看法。一只宠物的离世不仅引发了妈妈对失去自己母亲的回忆，也提醒她有必要和我们谈谈她的葬礼计划。为了继续与Scarlet的情感联系，妈妈会烧点檀香，更喜欢述说情感，回忆和低声送上祝福。至于我，我更喜欢看她的照片，并试图记住她所有有趣的时刻。

个人如何表达他们与逝去的亲人或宠物的持续联系，可能会在生命过程中发生变化。当死亡改变了社会秩序和人们的生活方式时，我们需要意识到社会的异质性，尊重他人如何看待、定义和遵守死亡的概念，而不触犯法律。我相信所有的狗都是来自上帝的天使，他们的使命是保护我们远离悲伤、危险和痛苦。他们不仅对我儿子的情感发展做出了积极的贡献，而且在我忙着四处奔波的时候实现了成为妈妈最好陪伴的承诺。

后记：佛说，生死之外无大事。人生来有七情六欲，面对亲人（宠物）的死亡是不可承受之痛。然而，有生必有死，我们也必须用超脱的态度去对待，开解，而不能执着于中不可自拔。唯有能做的，让生命更有质量。在家人（宠物）在世的时候，多点陪伴，多点善待，多点关怀，少些遗憾。

Scarlet &Saki
Death ends a life – it does not end a relationship(原文)
I discovered Scarlet, our Alaskan husky puppy, had inherited epilepsy when she was just six months old. I failed to find her a cure and consequently her epilepsy worsened, becoming drug-resistant and causing her seizures to worsen and increase. It was devasting to watch her wake up from seizure after seizure, and in the summer of 2011, I made the difficult decision to put Scarlet down and spare her from further pain and suffering. She may have lived much longer if there had been vets in Shanghai that knew how to handle and treat dogs living with epilepsy at the time, but that unfortunately was not the case.
Schmidt & et al (2020) says that a child’s attachment to their pet changes throughout their different life stages, which greatly impacts how they experience the grief of losing a pet (p.282-283). My son, Pascal, demonstrated greater cognitive maturity when dealing with Scarlet’s death when compared to his grief over our Chihuahua. Gigi’s death. Pascal was four when Gigi died and he cried day and night, demanding to scatter Gigi’s toys, dog food, and treats around so she could sniff and find her way home. My mom said that all young children, ages 3 to 5, have natural senses and connections with these good spirits, so I allowed my four-year-old’s imagination to run wild so we could bring their good spirits inside the house.
Everyone copes with grief differently after losing a loved one or a pet (DeSpelder& Strickland, 2020, p. 55). To this day, I still regret not spoiling Scarlet enough when she was alive and if I could go back, I would not have yelled and spanked her for chewing my shoes, leather couch, and purses.Shortly after Scarlet’s death, we had to rush my mother to the emergency room due to her broken heart and our Japanese Spitz, Saki who was Scarlet’s best friend, went into a depression and went days without drinking and eating. My eight-year-old son at that time, upsettably lectured us that Scarlet’s death could have been avoided if there had been good epilepsy treatment available or if we had known a canine brain surgeon in Shanghai.
About two weeks after Scarlet’s death, we came to the realization that Scarlet’s death was an irreversible and unavoidable biological process but what made the grief personal and unique for us though, was the lasting emotional bond we each had with her. Coping with the loss of Scarlet profoundly impacted my mother’s view of death and dying and triggered her memory of her own mother’s death, prompting her to start openly talking about her own funeral plans. To remember and stay emotionally connected to Scarlet, my mother will burn incense, reminisce, and send whispers of blessings to Scarlet, while I prefer to look at photos and remember all the funny moments we had together (Packman & et al, 2012, pp.337-343)。
How people express their grief and remember their bonds with their deceased loved ones or pets varies and changes depending on which stage of life they are in. Since death shapes the social order and how people live, we must be aware of heterogeneity in our society and respect how others differently view, define, and observe the concept of death, within the confines of the law (DeSpelder& Strickland,2020, p.167). I believe all dogs are angels from God and are sent with the mission to shield us from sadness, danger, and pain. They have positively influenced the emotional development of my son and fulfilled the role of a companion for my mother when I am busy running around (Packman & et al, 2012; Schmidt & et al, 2020).
References
DeSpelder, L. A., & Strickland, A. L. (2020). The last dance: Encountering death and dying. New York: McGraw-Hill Higher Education.
Packman, W., Carmack, B.J., & Ronen, R. (2012). Therapeutic implications of continuing bonds expressions following the death of a pet. OMEGA, 64(4),335-356. doi:10.2190/OM.64.4.d
Schmidt, M., Naylor, P.E., Cohen, D., Gomex, R., Moses, J.A., Rappoport, M., & Packman, P. (2020). Pet loss and continuing bonds in children and adolescents. Death Studies, 44(5), 278-284. doi: 10.1080/07481187.2018.1541942

本文作者
Beatrice,香港出生。年少只身去美国学习，美国东伊利诺大学（Eastern Illinois Univeristy)老龄化研究文学硕士。在上海经营过自己设计的服装品牌20年。如今转行从事有关养老培训行业（目标是开办自己品牌的老年日托中心，解决老父母不高兴进养老院，儿女白天上班没有时间照顾的难题）。把国外有关照顾老人痴呆的知识和技术引进国内。非常敬业和有爱心，有持续学习力和创新进取精神。

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