The Big Bang Theory Season 1,Episode 12

SHELDON

Here is the problem with teleportation.

LEONARD

Lay it on me.

SHELDON

Assuming a device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have transported the individual . You would have destroyed him in one locaton and recreated him in another.

LEONARD

How about that.

SHELDON

Personally, I would never use a transporter, because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.

LEONARD

Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?

SHELDON

NO, he would be exactly the same.

LEONARD

That's a problem.

SHELDON

So you see it too?

LEONARD

 

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Dr.Hofstadter.,Dr.Cooper.

LEONARD,SHELDON

Dr.Gablehauser.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Gentlemen, I'd like to to meet Dennis Kim.Dennis is a highly sought-after doctoral candidate and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.

LEONARD

Graduate work.Very impressive.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

And he's only 15 years old.

SHELDON

Not bad. I myselt started graduate school at 14.

DENNIS

Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.

LEONARD

Advantage, Kim.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around. Let him see why we're the best Physics research facility in the country.

DENNIS

I already know you're not.You don't have an Open Science Grid computer or a free electron laser.And the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end.

SHELDON

Excuse me, that's my research and it is by no means a dead end.

DENNIS

Well, obviously you don't see it ye, but trust me, you will.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Dennis, we have discussed this. We're in the process of updating our equipment and we welcome your input on our research goals. And we've agreed to look the other way if you wanna use up to 20 percent of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang.We want him here, boys. Make it happen.

LEONARD

Yes, sir.

SHELDON

You can count on us. We're on it. What the hell do you mean,'dead end'?

DENNIS

I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as 10 to the 500th power. In addition...Ooh,look, chocolate milk.

SHELDON

I sense a disturbance in the force.

LEONARD

A bad feeling I have about this.Mm.

 

THEME SONG

 

LEONARD

So, Dennis, how long have you been in America?

DENNIS

A year and a half.

LEONARD

No kidding.You speak English really well.

DENNIS

So do you.Except for your tendency to end sentence with prepositions.

LEONARD

What're you talking about?

DENNIS

That.

SHELDON

He's not wrong.All right,and this is my office.

DENNIS

Is this part of the tour?

SHELDON

Nope.Goodbye.

LEONARD

Come on,Sheldon,we've hardly shown him anything.

SHELDON

All right.This is my desk.These are my books.This is my door.Please close it behind you,goodbye.

DENNIS

Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.

SHELDON

Keen observation,goodbye.

DENNIS

You see where you went wrong,don't you?

SHELDON

Leonard.

LEONARD

Hah.Yeah?

SHELDON

Get him out.

LEONARD

Come on,Dennis.I'll show you the rec center.They've got Nautilus equipment.

DENNIS

Do I look like I lift weights?

LEONARD

Not heavy ones.

DENNIS

It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorentz invariant or field theory approach.

SHELDON

You think I haven't considered it?You really think I haven't considered it?

DENNIS

Have you considered it?

SHELDON

Get him out, Leonard.

LEONARD

Come on, Dennis.I'll show you the radiation lab.

DENNIS

Wow.You won the Stevenson Award?

SHELDON

Yes.In fact, I am the youngest person ever to won it.

DENNIS

Really?How old?

SHELDON

Fourteen and a half.

DENNIS

Mm.You were the yougest person ever to won it.

LEONARD

It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?

PENNY

Mn.This is really delicious, isn't it?Still can't talk to me unless you're drunk,huh?Oh, sweetie,you are so damaged.

HOWARD

Hey, I'm damaged too.How about a hug how Howie/

PENNY

Sure.Raj,hug Howard.

SHELDON

Oh...

LEONARD

Something you'd like to share?A tale of woe perhaps?

SHELDON

Fifteen years old.Dennis Kim is 15 years old and he's already correcting my work.Today, I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, to ...You know, that other guy.

HOWARD

Antonio Salieri?

SHELDON

Oh God,now even you are smarter than me.

HOWARD

You know, Sheldon.You don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.

LEONARD

Just eat,Sheldon.You'll feel better.

SHELDON

Why waste of food?In Texas,when a cow goes dry, they don't keep feeding it, the just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.

PENNY

I'm confused.Did Sheldon stop giving milk?

LEONARD

You can't let this kig get to you.You always knew that someday,someone would come along who's younger and smarter.

SHELDON

Yes, but I assumed I would've been dead hundreds of years.And that there'd be an asterisk by his name because he'd be a cyborg.

PENNY

So you've got a liite competition.I really don't see what the big deal is.

SHELDON

Of course you don't.You've never excelled at anything.

PENNY

I don't understand,exactly how did he get any friends in the firsht place?

HOWARD

We liked Leonard.

LEONARD

What are you gonna do,Sheldon,just give up?

SHELDON

Yes,It's whant a rational person does when his entire life's work is invalidated by a postpubescent Asian wunderkind.He ceases his fruitless efforts,he donates his body to scientific research,and he waits to die.

PENNY

You know,I'm confused again.Is he waiting,or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?

SHELDON

Hey.

LEONARD

Hey.

SHELDON

I've decided you're right.My career is not over.

LEONARD

Great

SHELDON

But since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find somenting else to focus on.

LEONARD

Great.

SHELDON

So I've decided. I'm going to collaborate with you.

LEONARD

Great.

SHELDON

So what exactly is it you do?I know you chatter on about it all the time,But I have never really paid attention.

LEONARD

Okay. Well,right now,I'm designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at see level, but I really don't need any help.

SHELDON

Oh, sure you do.what's this here is the schematic?Is that a laser array?

LEONARD

Yes.

SHELDON

Now,hmm...What hppens if you use argon lasers instead of helium-neon?

LEONARD

It would blow up.

SHELDON

Are you sure?

LEONARD

Pretty sure.

SHELDON

'Pretty sure' is not very scientific.Is this how normally you work?Just hunches and guessed and stuff?

LEONARD

Oaky.Sheldon,I understand that you're going through a bit of a career crisis.You're searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive.But I need to toll you sth and I want you to listen carefully.

SHELDON

All right.

LEONARD

Go away.

SHELDON

If you're concerned about sharing credit with me, your name can go first...I'm going.

HOWARD

It's a small brown paper bag,Ma.I;m looking at it right now.Why would I make this up?There is no Ding Dong in it. How are tow Ding Dongs tomorrow gonna help me today?

SHELDON

So, this is Engineering,huh?

HOWARD

I'll talk to you later.

SHELDON

Engineering.Where the noble semiskilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream.Hello,Oompa Loompas of science.注：oompa-loompas（工厂中的小矮人工人)

HOWARD

Sheldon, what're you doing here?

SHELDON

I came by to say hello.

HOWARD

I've been in this lab for three years.You've never come by to say hello.

SHELDON

Well,up until now,I've had better things to do.So,what are we making today?

HOWARD

A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package that's going up on a space shuttle.

SHELDON 

Really?How does it work?

HOWARD

When this is done,it will be attached to the payload bay and the sensor apparatus will rest on it.

SHELDON 

Ah-ha.So it's a shelf.

HOWARD

No,you don't understand.During acceleration, it needs to stay perfectly level and provide...Yeah,okay,it's a shelf.

SHELDON 

I notice you're using titanium.Did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes?They are lighter,cheaper,and have twice the tensile strength.

HOWARD

Sheldon.There's a diploma in my office that says I have a master's in Engineering.

SHELDON

And you also have note from your mother that says,'I love you,Bubula.'But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.

HOWARD

Sheldon.

SHELDON

Yes.

SHELDON

Go away.

SHELDON

Did Sheldon tell you to say that?

HOWARD

No, I thought of it all by myself.

SHELDON

Huh?That's can't be a coincidence.There must be some causal link I'm missing.

RAJESH

Go away.

SHELDON

Curiouser and curiouser.

HOWARD

Is he here?

LEONARD

If he were, I wouldn't be.

RAJESH

You know what he did?He watched me work for 10 minutes and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.

LEONARD

Is that even possible?

RAJESH

As it turned out, Yes.

HOWARD

Something's got to be done about him,Leonard.

LEONARD

Like what?He'll never be able to cope with the fact that some 15-year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is.

RAJESH

Well, what if something hppened to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon?

HOWARD

Then our problem would be solved.

LEONARD

Hang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim?I'm not saying no.

HOWARD

We don't have to go that far.There are other means available.

RAJESH

We can't send him back to North Korea.He knows how to get out.

HOWARD

The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus.

LEONARD

It won't happen.He is not interested in anything but physics.

HOWARD

What about biology?

LEONARD

What?

HOWARD

You know, biology.The one thing that can completely derail a world-class mind.

LEONARD

Howard,he's 15.

HOWARD

Yeah,so?When I was 15, I met Dennis Palmeri and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8.

RAJESH

She was sleeping with you?

HOWARD

No, I just...wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did.

SHELDON

Oh, good,you're all here.Look,I've decided if the three of you drop whatever it is you're working on and join me,we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade.12 years tops.Go away?Hmm.Could it be me?

PENNY

Oh.Hey guys.What's up?

HOWARD

We need a hot 15-year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.

PENNY

What?

LEONARD

Howard,this is racist.Any 15-year-old girl will do the trick.

REJESH

It's possible she may have misunderstood us.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Dr.Cooper.Oh,are we interrupting?

SHELDON

No,no,please come in.Ya,I think you'll appreciate this.This is very exciting.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Oh,what are you working on?

SHELDON

Something remarkable.Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared...Thank you very much.I've decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize.Look,I'm going to solve the Middle East crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

To what end?

SHELDON

You know,it's like the baseball movie.'Build it and they will come.'

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Who will come?

SHELDON

The jewish people.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

What if they don't come?

SHELDON

We'll make it nice,put a spread.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Okay,well,um,speaking of spreads, we're having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr.Kim who's agreed to join us here at the university.

SHELDON

Of course he has.The Oracle told us lillte Neo was the one.You can see the matrix,can't you?

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Okay,well, obviously you're very busy with your,ah,am...Come,Dennis.He's been under a lot of um...He's nuts.

SHELDON

(Humming:'Cielito Lindo')Hava Nagila.They'll come,they'll settle,and I'll win the prize.I really don't understand your objections,professor Goldfarb.Why wouldn't the Sonora desert make a perfectly good promised land?

PROF.GOLDFARB

Go away.

SHELDON

We could call it Nuevo Jerusalem.

PROF.GOLDFARB

Please go away.

SHELDON

Said Pharaoh to Moses.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Why are all these young women here?

LEONARD

It's Take Your Daughter To Work Day.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Really?I was not aware of that.

RAJESH

Oh,yes.There was a very official e-mail that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the age of 14 and 16.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Hmm.

HOWARD

Smooth.

RAJESH

Thank you.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

There's the man of the hour.

LEONARD

Okay,so,we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appreciated women.

HOWARD

All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.

LEONARD

Anyone else see the flaw in this play?

RAJESH

We need a social catalyst.

LEONARD

Like what?We can't get 15-year-old girls drunk.

HOWARD

Or can we?

LEONARD

No, we can't.

HOWARD

I don't think you mean we can't.I think you mean we shouldn't.

SHELDON

Hey,Howard,you're a Jew.If there was another Wailing Wall exactly like the one in Jerusalem but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs,would you still be able to wail at it?Okay,it's definitely me.

LEONARD

Okay.We cannot leave this to chance.Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.

RAJESH

Okay.How about that one?

HOWARD

Uh-uh.I know the type.Cheerleader,student council,goes out with the jokes,won't even look at anybody in the gifted program.And if after two years of begging,she does agrees to go out with you,it turns out to be a setup and you're in your mom's car with your pants off while the whole football team lauth at you..

RAJESH

Are you crying?

HOWARD

No,I have allergies.

RAJESH

Okay. Uh...Oh,hey,how about her?

LEONARD

Sure,if he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with nonfat White Russians.You're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes 'more guys were like you.' And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.

RAJESH

Okay,so not her either.How about her?

HOWARD

Interesting.kind of pretty,a little chubby , so probably low self-esteem.

LEONARD

I think tha's our girl.One of us should go talk to her.

RAJESH

I can't talk to her,you do it.I can't just go up and talk to her.Howard,you talk to her.

HOWARD

Oh,no,She'll never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this.

RAJESH

You know,if we were in India,this would be simpler.Five minutes with her dad,20 goats and a laptop,and we'd be done.

LEONARD

Well,we're not in India.

RAJESH

All right,why don't we do it your way then?We'll arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end.

LEONARD

Okay,that was uncalled for.

FAJESH

You started it,dude.

 

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Could I have everyone's attention,please?What a beautiful occation this is .And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on Take Your Daughter To Work Day.We're here ot welcome Mr.Dennis Kim to our little family.

SHELDON

Welcome ,Dennis Kim.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Mr.Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University,he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.

SHELDON

Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.

DR.GABLEHAUSER

And now,without any further ado,let me introduce the man of the hour,Mr.Dennis Kim.Dennis?Dennis.

DENNIS

What?

DR.GABLEHAUSER

Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?

DENNIS

Oh,no,thanks.I'm going to the mall with Emma.

LEONARD

The kid got a girl.

RAJESH

Unbelievable.

HOWARD

Did anyone see how he did it?

SHELDON

Dont' worry,I've got this.Ladies and gentleman,honored daughters,while Mr.Kim,by virtue of his youth and naivete,has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact ,let me stem in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted.And that social ralationships will continue to baffle and repulse me .Thank you.

HOWARD

He's back.

LEONARD

Yeah,mission accomplished.

RAJESH

Forger the mission.How did that little yutz get a girl on his own?

HOWARD

I guess times have changed since we were young.Smart is the new sexy.

LEONARD

Then why do we go home alone every night?We're still smart.

RAJESH

Maybe we're too smart.So smart,it's off-putting.

HOWARD

Yeah,let's go with that.Unbelievable.Components I built are on teh International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.

LEONARD

I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman,'You have to frisk me.I have another rocket in my pants.'

RAJESH

Hey,look at that.It's Dennis Kim.

HOWARD

Wow,I almost didn't recognize him.

RAJESH

You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.

LEONARD

Yeah,we really ruined his life.

SHELDON

Screw him,he was weak.