Men and Grief

     Men grieve differntly from women. (really?)  Our cultural roles make it difficult for men to look for support, and harder again to accept it. Men are so often silent, solitary ( absolutely right) mourners who immerse

themselves in activity and private, symbolic rituals. They feel profoundly, but often can't express the depth of

their loss.

      A man is supposed to be "strong" , to support, to cope , and to plan in the aftermath of loss . His own pain

must be put away .

    Grief does't discriminate between gender or culture . Our society has placed clear expectations and

requirements upon our roles as men and women.(In my opinion,not only society , family as the same, perhaps more than society, and sometimes just ourselves placed this expectations,)  Boys learn quickly what behaviour is considered inappropriate through such statements as , "Stand up and take it like a man." "You're the man of the house." and the insidiously cruel "Big boys don't cry."

     Male grief tends to have four main characteristics.

     1. Moderated feelings

      Men have deep feelings but don't express openly, a more readily available feeling is anger. Men deal with

their real feelings by redirecting their energies.

     2. Cognitive Experience

     Men work more with cognitions explaining their grief or with problem-focussed strategies that help them

adapt and protect.

     3. Problem-Focussed Activity

     Men may adapt to loss by practical hands-on finding solutions to problems associated with the loss.

    4. Desire for Solitude(Completely I don't think so.)

     Men don't seek support groups. They want to master their own feelings and also reflect the more practical

behaviour involved in adapting to a loss.

    Societal Demands on Men

    Men are expected to be "in control " of life's demands and have to submit to the following demands society

has placed on them.

    (actuation is lusifer)

    remain emotionally and physically strong

    always be rational

    don't ask for support or affection--- be self-sufficient

    remain as non-expressive as possible

    provide, not nurture

    shake hands, don't bug(what means ???)

     These generalizations continue to hold their power over men in pain.  Let's take the old myth about crying.

The truth is it takes a truly strong man to be able to cry. Acknowledging that each  of us grieve in very different

ways can allow men to cope with loss and pain using their own various coping methods. We all grieve despite

our gender , race or culture . We grieve because we have loved and , through our journey, we can be healed,

      Tears are a gift.

      Grieving men need to hear that their tears are a gift to help their healing. Men have historically been fobbed

off and denied this important gift. We need to open up to how men grieve and start sharing thoughts and

feelings in a more meaningful , supportive way.

      The realization that grief can be a constructive, healing process, which can be shared with others, can

inspire us all to be intentional in our grief process.

      Susanna Duffy is a Civil Celebrant, mythologist and grief counsellor. She is a creator and guide of Rites

of Passage for personal ceremonies and civic funcitons. <in the end, I' m sorry for my finger>