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Unless you’re the luckiest person in the world, you know what it’s like to feel the sting of rejection.
ünless你是最幸运的人在世界上，你知道是什么样的感觉拒绝的刺痛。
Some of us have healthy ways of dealing with that pain and disappointment. But many of us are still developing the emotional resources necessary to cope with being rebuffed.
我们中有些人有健康的方式来处理这种痛苦和失望。 但是我们许多人仍在开发应对被拒绝所必需的情感资源。
This is a story about a time in my life when I did something desperate in response to being rejected. Unfortunately, my poor choice of coping mechanism ultimately made me feel worse.
这是一个故事，讲述我生命中的某个时候，我为被拒绝而拼命地做一些事情。 不幸的是，我对应对机制选择不当最终使我感到更糟。
I’m not proud of this story, but I share it in the hope that others may learn from my mistakes.
我不为这个故事感到骄傲，但我希望大家能从我的错误中学到东西，我对此予以分享。
When my boyfriend Joel broke up with me in the fall of 2013, I took it hard.
当我的男友乔尔(Joel)在2013年秋天与我分手时，我很难受。
Throughout our brief relationship, I’d respected him, admired him, and put him on a pedestal. My adoration bordered on hero-worship. I aspired to be like him in almost every way.
在我们的短暂关系中，我尊重他，钦佩他，并把他放在基座上。 我的崇拜与崇拜英雄有关。 我渴望在几乎所有方面都像他一样。
While I was stuck in a dead-end job, Joel was more financially successful and well-traveled than me. He got up earlier than I did, exercised more often, and ate healthier foods. He read more books, listened to more podcasts, and always had something interesting to say.
当我陷入困境时，乔尔比我在财务上更成功，而且旅行也更多。 他比我早起床，多做运动，吃健康的食物。 他看了更多的书，听了更多的播客，并且总是有一些有趣的话要说。
So when he put an end to our three-month tryst, his rejection seemed to confirm my relative inadequacy.
因此，当他结束我们为期三个月的幽会时，他的拒绝似乎证实了我的相对不足。
I felt even more worthless because Joel had a very specific reason for breaking up with me. On our first date, I lied to him about my history of infidelity.
我感到更加一文不值，因为乔尔有一个很具体的理由与我分手。 第一次约会时， 我对他的不忠历史撒了谎。
I lied because I desperately wanted him to like me. But when Joel found out, he told me he couldn’t forgive deceit.
我撒谎是因为我迫切希望他喜欢我。 但是当乔尔发现后，他告诉我他不能原谅欺骗。
He was looking for a “high value woman”, he explained, and my dishonesty proved I wasn’t high value.
他解释说，他正在寻找“高价值的女人”，而我的不诚实证明我不是高价值的人。
As crushed as I was, I didn’t know how to argue with that.
像我一样迷恋，我不知道该如何争论。
那天晚上，我跟踪了他的Facebook个人资料 (That evening, I stalked his Facebook profile)
The day Joel dumped me, I drove back to my place in a daze and slumped on the couch with a glass of chardonnay.
乔尔抛弃我的那天，我发呆地开车回到了自己的住所，然后坐在沙发上喝着一杯夏敦埃酒。
I decided I’d spend the evening stalking his Facebook profile. By poring over his albums and ogling his pictures, I hoped to feel close to him for just a little longer before I let him go.
我决定晚上要跟踪他的Facebook个人资料。 通过浏览他的专辑并查看他的照片，我希望在让他离开之前与他亲近一会儿。
I was flicking through an album of his scuba diving trip to Thailand when the photos stopped loading.
当照片停止加载时，我正在浏览他在泰国的水肺潜水旅行的相册。
I tried to refresh the page, staring confusedly at a limited view of his profile. Then I understood. He’d just unfriended me!
我试图刷新页面，困惑地盯着他的个人资料。 然后我明白了。 他只是不和我交朋友！
My immediate response was hurt, followed by panic. Joel’s Facebook profile was the last connection I had to him. I wasn’t ready to sever ties so cleanly!
我的立即React受到了伤害，随后出现了恐慌。 Joel的Facebook个人资料是我与他之间的最后联系。 我还没有准备好这么干净利索地切断关系！
Heart racing, I paced around the lounge. I couldn’t believe how quickly our relationship had ended.
心跳加速，我在休息室走来走去。 我简直不敢相信我们的关系结束了多久。
I felt awful enough about the fact that he’d dumped me. But now I was getting the message that I wasn’t even good enough to remain on his Facebook friends list.
我对他甩了我感到非常恐惧。 但是现在我得到的消息是我还不够出色，无法留在他的Facebook朋友名单上。
That made me feel disgusting. Was I so contemptible that he had to remove every last trace of me from his life?
那让我感到恶心。 我是否太可鄙了，以至于他不得不从他的生活中删除我的所有最后痕迹？
I whipped out my phone again and refreshed the browser pathetically. Each time Facebook loaded up, I hoped it would grant me re-entry into Joel’s private online world. Each time, it left me disappointed.
我再次拨出电话，可悲地刷新了浏览器。 每次Facebook加载完毕时，我希望它能使我重新进入Joel的私人在线世界。 每次，这让我感到失望。
I took another gulp of chardonnay and struggled not to cry.
我又喝了一口夏敦埃酒，努力不哭。
I know my reaction sounds ridiculous now. But at the time, I couldn’t see how much unhealthy importance I was attaching to my digital connection to Joel.
我知道我的React听起来很荒谬。 但是当时，我看不到我对与Joel的数字连接的重视有多么不健康。
我试图提出一个计划 (I tried to come up with a plan)
Sinking back onto the couch, I curled my hands into fists and tried to come up with a plan.
我沉回到沙发上，双手hands紧拳头，试图提出一个计划。
I considered sending Joel a fresh friend request. But there was no way he’d accept it or add me again. He’d made it clear he was done with me. I was a low-value, good-for-nothing nobody.
我考虑过向Joel发送新的朋友请求。 但是他没有办法接受或再次添加我。 他已经明确表示他对我已经做完了。 我是一个低价值，无益的人。
I’d never wanted to escape my own skin so much. I couldn’t stop thinking that if I’d been another person — a better person — then maybe Joel would have stayed in my life.
我再也不想逃脱自己的皮肤了。 我一直想着，如果我成为另一个人-一个更好的人-那么乔尔也许会留在我的生活中。
This gave me an idea. Would Joel accept my friend request if I pretended to be someone else? Some hot chick who liked the look of his profile? I toyed with the prospect, then discarded it. Joel wasn’t the type to accept friend requests from strangers.
这给了我一个主意。 如果我假装成别人，乔尔会接受我的朋友的请求吗？ 一些喜欢他的个人资料外观的辣妹？ 我玩弄了这个潜在客户，然后将其丢弃。 乔尔不是那种接受陌生人的朋友请求的人。
He’d only accept a friend request if he thought it came from someone he knew in person (and liked). As I pondered this, I had a eureka moment.
如果他认为朋友请求来自他自己认识的(和喜欢的)某人，他只会接受一个朋友的请求。 当我思考这一点时，我有一个尤里卡的时刻。
It was a long shot, but it was a worth a try.
这是一个长镜头，但值得尝试。
Grabbing my phone, I created a fake profile. Then I sent Joel a friend request, light-headed and fluttery with hope.
拿起手机，我创建了一个虚假的个人资料。 然后，我向乔尔发送了一个朋友请求，头晕目眩，满怀希望。
我假装是乔尔的高中恋人 (I pretended to be Joel’s high school sweetheart)
During one of our more intimate conversations about past loves, Joel had opened up to me about Laura.
在我们对过去的爱情进行的更亲密的交谈中，乔尔向我介绍了劳拉。
Laura was his high school sweetheart, he explained. They split up on amicable terms before going to college, but he still had very fond memories of her.
他解释说，劳拉是他的高中恋人。 在上大学之前，他们以友好的方式分道扬but，但他对她的记忆仍然很深。
When I’d asked to see a picture of Laura, Joel told me she didn’t use Facebook. He had managed to dig up her Instagram profile for me, though. He’d scrolled through it to show me what she looked like.
当我要看劳拉的照片时，乔尔告诉我她没有使用Facebook。 不过，他设法为我挖掘了她的Instagram个人资料。 他滚动浏览以显示她的模样。
It was this Instagram profile I now returned to. After downloading a few of her pictures, I cobbled together a fake Facebook profile for Laura. I didn’t plan on impersonating her for long, I rationalized.
这是我现在返回的Instagram个人资料。 下载了一些她的照片后，我为劳拉拼凑了一个虚假的Facebook个人资料。 我理智地计划了很长时间不假冒她。
If Joel accepted my friend request, I’d just spend some more time looking at his albums. Maybe I’d read some of his old statuses. At most, I’d send him a message or two and see if he responded. Something like: “Hey Joel! It’s Laura. I’ve just joined Facebook! How are you doing these days?”
如果乔尔(Joel)接受了我的朋友的请求，我将花更多时间看他的专辑。 也许我读过他的一些旧情况。 最多，我会给他发一两个消息，看看他是否回应。 像这样：“嘿乔尔！ 是劳拉 我刚刚加入Facebook！ 这些天你好吗？”
Deep down, I knew sending fraudulent messages like that would really be crossing a line. But I wanted nothing more than to see Joel’s name pop up on my screen one more time. I yearned to be the object of his attention and approval, just for a while.
内心深处，我知道发送这样的欺诈性消息确实会越界。 但是我只希望看到Joel的名字再次出现在屏幕上。 我渴望成为他的关注和认可的对象，有一段时间了。
After I’d scratched that itch, I’d stop, I promised myself. I’d delete “Laura’s” account and get outta there.
挠痒痒之后，我会停下来，向自己保证。 我会删除“劳拉”的帐户，然后离开那里。
乔尔接受了朋友的要求 (Joel accepted the friend request)
Sure enough, Joel accepted the friend request from “Laura” within a few minutes.
果然，乔尔在几分钟之内接受了“劳拉”的朋友请求。
Almost immediately, I received a message from him. The sight of the notification sent my heartbeat into a frenzy.
几乎立即，我收到了他的来信。 看到通知后，我的心跳狂跳。
— Hey! Didn’t know you were on Facebook! x
嘿！ 不知道你在Facebook上！ X
I pursed my lips as I stared at the “x”. So even after all these years, Joel still ended his messages to Laura with kisses?
凝视“ x”时，我pur起嘴唇。 因此，即使经过了这些年，乔尔仍然以亲吻结束了对劳拉的讯息？
Over the past few months, I’d observed his texting habits a lot. I knew he didn’t add kisses to all of his messages. I wondered if he still had a soft spot for Laura.
在过去的几个月中，我经常观察到他的发短信习惯。 我知道他并没有在所有信息中添加亲吻。 我想知道他对劳拉是否仍然情有独钟。
I felt jealous, but also weirdly turned on. If Joel was still into Laura, maybe I could get him to sext me. In some strange way, I was already starting to identify with Laura. I basked in the friendliness Joel sent her way, even though it wasn’t directed at me.
我感到嫉妒，但也奇怪地打开了。 如果乔尔仍然在劳拉(Laura)，也许我可以让他与我发生性关系。 以某种奇怪的方式，我已经开始认同劳拉。 我对乔尔(Joel)送给她的友好态度感到满意，即使它不是针对我的。
I took another swig of chardonnay and messaged him back.
我又喝了一顿夏敦埃酒，然后给他回信。
— Yeah. Just joined Facebook! That’s why my profile’s a bit sparse. How are you doing these days? xx
是的 刚刚加入Facebook！ 这就是为什么我的个人资料有点稀疏的原因。 你最近好吗 xx
As soon as I’d pressed ‘send’, I re-read my message and winced. Had I put my foot in it by trying to justify the sparseness of my profile? Maybe that came across as more suspicious than saying nothing.
按下“发送”后，我会重新阅读信息并退缩。 我是否试图通过证明个人资料的稀疏性来做到这一点？ 也许碰到比什么都不说更可疑。
There was a ten-minute gap before Joel replied. When he finally did, my stomach dropped. Reading his message made me feel ill.
乔尔回答之前，有十分钟的间隔。 当他终于做到了时，我的肚子下降了。 读他的信息使我感到不适。
— Angie? Is that you?
— 安吉？ 那是你吗？
“Shit.” My heart thudded in my chest. How did he know? Had I really been that transparent?
“拉屎。” 我的心在我的胸中。动。 他怎么知道的 我真的那么透明吗？
My hands trembled as I gathered my thoughts, trying to figure out how I’d given myself away.
当我收集思想时，我的手在颤抖，试图弄清楚自己是如何放弃自己的。
Then it dawned on me. Joel had probably checked “my” profile and realized he was the only person on my friends list. Maybe he’d even messaged Laura on Instagram and asked her if she’d just joined Facebook. An answer in the negative would have set off alarm bells.
然后它突然降临在我身上。 乔尔可能检查了“我的”个人资料，并意识到他是我的朋友名单上唯一的人。 也许他甚至在Instagram上给劳拉(Laura)留言，问她是否刚加入Facebook。 否定的答案会引起警钟。
My face burned with shame. I hoped he didn’t think I was some kind of obsessive stalker. “I’m sorry, Joel,” I wrote.
我的脸蒙羞地烧了。 我希望他不要认为我是某种强迫症缠扰者。 “我很抱歉，乔尔，”我写道。
Distraught and humiliated, I threw my phone at the wall.
我心烦意乱和羞辱，我把手机扔到了墙上。
在线寻求验证的问题 (The problem with seeking validation online)
I’ve thought a lot about why I dealt with Joel’s rejection by trying to pass myself off as Laura. I’ve spent hours talking to my therapist and reading books recommended by her.
我为自己为什么要假装自己成为劳拉来应对乔尔的拒绝而思考了很多。 我已经花了几个小时与我的治疗师交谈，并阅读了她推荐的书。
A few years ago, I came across a great explanation of the psychology behind catfishing. I read it in a book called In Real Life written by Nev Schulman, host of the MTV show Catfish.
几年前，我对cat鱼背后的心理学有很好的解释。 我在MTV节目《 fish鱼》的主持人内夫·舒尔曼(Nev Schulman)所著的《 在现实生活中》一书中读到了它。
In his book, Schulman says many people who create false identities online are motivated by a “desire to be liked.” In their day-to-day lives, he explains, such people often struggle with “feelings of isolation and insecurity” and “a negative self-image.”
舒尔曼在他的书中说，许多在网上创建虚假身份的人都是出于“渴望被喜欢”的动机。 他解释说，在他们的日常生活中，这样的人经常为“孤独和不安全感”和“消极的自我形象”而苦苦挣扎。
Hence, they use their fake profiles to live out a fantasy. They “create the version of themselves that they would like to be in order to see what kind of attention they would get if they could transcend their issues.”
因此，他们使用伪造的个人资料来实现幻想。 他们“创造自己想要的版本，以查看如果他们能够超越自己的问题将会获得什么样的关注。”
Based on my experience of impersonating Laura, I find Schulman’s breakdown strikingly accurate.
根据我模仿劳拉的经验，我发现舒尔曼的故障非常准确。
When Joel broke up with me and told me I wasn’t a “high-value woman”, my self-esteem plummeted. Instead of being myself, I wanted to be the kind of girl he thought well of.
当乔尔和我分手并告诉我我不是一个“高价值的女人”时，我的自尊心直线下降。 我不想成为自己，而是想成为他深思熟虑的那种女孩。
Joel often spoke highly of Laura, and I believe that’s why I posed as her. I wanted to feel, for a moment, like the recipient of his good favor again.
乔尔(Joel)经常对劳拉(Laura)赞不绝口，我相信这就是我冒充她的原因。 我想暂时感到自己再次得到他的好感。
But, as Schulman says in his book, “you can’t rely on someone else’s approval to feel good about yourself.” If you tie your self-worth to someone else’s opinion of you, you are giving away too much power.
但是，正如舒尔曼(Schulman)在他的书中所说，“您不能依靠别人的认可来使自己感觉良好。” 如果您将自我价值与他人对您的看法联系在一起，那么您将付出太多的力量。
I couldn’t see it at the time, but I should have slowed down and asked myself why I needed Joel’s approval in the first place.
当时我看不到它，但我应该放慢脚步，问自己为什么首先需要乔尔的批准。
专注于在现实世界中改善自己 (Focus on improving yourself in the real world)
It’s been over six years now since I catfished Joel in desperation after our breakup. I’m happy to say I’ve come a long way since then.
自从我们分手后绝望地捉住乔尔以来，已经过去了六年多。 我很高兴地说，自那时以来我已经走了很长一段路。
Over the years, I’ve learned to prioritize my opinion of myself above other people’s. But first I had to practice loving and nurturing the person I am in the offline world.
多年以来，我学会了将自己的观点置于其他人之上。 但是首先，我必须练习去爱和养育我在离线世界中的人。
It wasn’t easy, but I started by taking a good, hard, long look at the things I didn’t like about myself. I realized that I couldn’t rely on someone else like Joel to validate me. I needed to work on improving myself to please myself.
这并不容易，但我首先要认真，长期，认真地看待自己不喜欢的事情。 我意识到我不能依靠乔尔这样的人来验证我。 我需要努力提高自己，以取悦自己。
So I made a conscious effort to learn from my flaws. I practiced honesty and vulnerability with my therapist. I set daily exercise goals. At an ayahuasca ceremony, I faced my demons. I began journaling, and as an indirect consequence, I found my passion — writing — again.
因此，我做出了有意识的努力，以从自己的缺点中学习。 我和治疗师一起练习诚实和脆弱。 我设定了日常运动目标。 在一场阿育吠陀仪式上，我面对了魔鬼。 我开始写日记，作为间接的结果，我再次发现了自己的激情-写作-。
In the end, it was my commitment to myself that helped me heal from Joel’s rejection.
最后，正是我对自己的承诺帮助我从乔尔的拒绝中得到了治愈。
I took responsibility for myself — for my self-image, as well as my shortcomings. I knew if there were aspects of myself I didn’t like, only I had the power to change them.
我对自己负责-为自己的形象和缺点承担责任。 我知道我是否有自己不喜欢的方面，只有我才能改变它们。
As a result, I have a newfound confidence that is no longer dependent on Joel. I don’t have to escape into a fantasy land, pretending to be Laura. These days, I’m OK with who I am, both on and off the internet.
结果，我有了新的信心，不再依赖乔尔。 我不必假装是劳拉(Laura)，就可以逃入幻想世界。 这些天，无论网络上还是网络外，我都可以接受自己的身份。
So if you’re waiting around for someone else’s validation, I want to invite you to seek your own approval.
因此，如果您正在等待别人的验证，我想邀请您寻求自己的批准。
Strive for your own betterment. But do it for yourself first and foremost. That is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself.
争取自己的进步。 但是首先要自己做。 那是您可以送给自己的最美丽的礼物。
翻译自: https://psiloveyou.xyz/i-catfished-my-ex-after-he-dumped-me-e0e309dc84af
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