1 The importance of self-esteem
1.1 Definition
1 The judgment and evaluation about the self.
2 Self-esteem is a personal judgment of worthiness that is expressed in the attitudes individual holds toward himself. It’s about the attitude that I have toward myself. It’s the evaluative part of the self concept.
3 Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness. Two components, the feeling, the experience of competence and the feeling and experience of worthiness.
1.2 The importance of self-esteem
4 Of all the judgments we pass in our lives, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.
5 The greatest evil that can befall man is that he should come to think ill of himself.
1.3 Benefit of high self-esteem
6 High levels of resilience, dealing with difficulties, be able to deal with anxiety, depression, inevitable hardships that arise.
7 Improve relationship, whether it’s romantic relationship, friends, or family member.
8 Self concept is destiny. Beliefs or self-fulfilling prophecy , if I think of myself, believe in myself, believe that I’m worthy, that I’m capable of a lot, I will much more likely to succeed.
9 How affective we are with others, our intra-personal intelligence and our inter-personal intelligence together making emotional intelligence much higher for people with high levels of self-esteem.
10 And finally, the subtotal happiness, self-esteem is one of the major determinants of happiness.
1.4 Low self-esteem
11 Low self-esteem is associated with anxiety. Self-esteem anxiety is that feeling anxiety for no apparent reason, or going through life generally with a sense of fear, not really clear, not really sure of what.
12 If the self evaluation is low, very often it leads to depression.
13 Psychosomatic symptoms include insomnia, getting sick, because our immune system is lower and so on.
14 The immune system of consciousness.
15 Underlying cause of most emotional and behavioral problems.
2 What self-esteem is… and is not
2.1 What self-esteem is… and is not
16 A person who is narcissist, who is arrogant, doesn’t have high self-esteem. A person who is humble, who doesn’t need constantly show off is usually the person with higher level of self-esteem.
17 Self-esteem is not a product of empty reinforcement. Oh, you are wonderful, you are terrific, you are great – no matter what. That hurts self-esteem in the long term.
18 Self-esteem has to be distinguished from pseudo self-esteem, once again the pretense of self-efficacy and self-respect without the reality.
19 Self-esteem is founded in reality, in actual performance, in actual success, in actual practices.
20 Self-esteem is a product of hard work.
2.2 Six practices to cultivate self-esteem
21 First, integrity. And integrity means a match between what we say and what we do, the little things and the big things, whether it’s “I’ll be there at 5 minutes after 5”, being there at 5 minutes after 5; saying that “I’m going to work out this week”, and actually doing it.
22 Because you see, when we communicate, when we utter words, and we don’t follow up on what we say, what we are essentially communicating to ourselves: what I say is not important, it doesn’t matter. Whereas I maintain high levels of integrity, when I keep my words, when I follow up on what I say, when I under-promise and over-deliver, that’s when I communicate to myself in action. I communicate to myself, “My words matter, I matter.”
23 The practice of self-awareness know thyself.
24 Self-consciousness.
25 Purposefulness, having goals, having self-concordant goals, pursuing them, living a life of purpose, of calling, taking responsibility - remember once again on one is coming. It’s up to you to make something of your lives.
26 The practice of self-acceptance. Permission to be human on a daily basis.
27 And finally, the practice of self-assertiveness: to say no when it’s appropriate, to say yes when that is appropriate, to stand up for what we believe in.
28 These are the practices that over time cultivate self-esteem.
3 Toward a new understanding
3.1 Dependent self-esteem
29 In terms of worthiness, a person who has high dependent self-esteem is other determined. They enjoy and they need the appraisal. My life is constantly affected by what other people think or say, or what I think that they think, or what I think that they mean.
30 People with high self-esteem is primarily motivated by what or other people think and say. I would choose a partner who I think other people would approve of and like. The sense of self contingent on other people, then important decision are made based on other people’s approval or disapproval.
31 The competence of high dependent self-esteem is other determined. I’m asking a mirror to evaluate me, not self-determined.
32 My worthiness comes from an external source. Competence, I compare myself to others.
33 Everyone has some dependent self-esteem. It’s part of human nature. The question is of degree.
3.2 Independent self-esteem
34 In terms of worthiness, I evaluate myself according to my own standards.
35 Competence, not comparison to others but comparison to oneself. Have I improved? Am I better writer today than I was in the past?
3.3 Unconditional self-esteem
36 In terms of worthiness, it’s not contingent by others, it’s not even contingent on my evaluation. I’m confident enough not to be engaged in evaluations.
37 In terms of competence, it’s interdependent. I don’t compare how well I’m doing to others, nor even how well I’m doing relative to myself. I’m in a state of being.
38 I wasn’t always like this. It takes time, it takes work, it takes self-awareness, it takes falling down and getting up, learning to fail then learning from that failure. It takes learning to accept oneself, it takes being open and being vulnerable and making mistakes, it takes being human, fully human.
39 The people with high self-esteem are modest. You don’t have the need to show off. One of my important goal is to be modest. You get to this level of modesty by being authentic, by being real, by going through the process.
40 How can I make the world better place? How can I be a conduit for positive emotions?
4 The importance of being independent
41 First of all, moral behavior, if you think about the worst atrocities throughout history, they were conducted by people conforming, by obedience to authority, and by racist or ethnocentric beliefs and behaviors.
42 People who are independent don’t have the need or have less of that need for comparison, as well as less of that need to conform. They are true to their own principles, which are more likely to follow their heart. And unless their heart is damaged, they will seek to do good, they will seek to help, their levels of empathy will increase.
43 People cultivating independent sense of self, who have a strong self identity are better able to identify with others.
44 Better cognitive performance, you see, people who have a strong dependent self-esteem or are primarily driven by what other people say, will follow the rule that has already been taken. They will, can potentially be great mechanics, because they’ll work hard for these accolade.
45 People who have a stronger sense of independent self-esteem, think outside the box, choose the path that hasn’t already been taken, as well as the path that has been taken. He would choose the one what they really really want to do with their lives.
46 Person with independent self-esteem is committed to continuous learning. They would always ask questions, and want to learn more.
47 Happiness is higher when we experience a sense of independent self-esteem. We are much calmer when we don’t have to prove ourselves to others, when we express rather than constantly try to impress.
48 Being yourself, being differentiated, this is what independent self-esteem is, this is what ultimately interdependence is all about.
5 Enhancing self-esteem
49 People with high independent self-esteem are generally calmer. So independent self-esteem is the attitude, calm is the behavior, which also means that people who behave calmly will increase over time their independent self-esteem. It’s about inducing calm, being centered, being myself. Physical exercise induces calm.
50 What’re your passions? What do you really really want to do with your life? Where do you see yourself 10 years or 20 year from now? What’s really important for you? What’s important for you that you would do regardless of other people’s approval, nodes, accolades or cheering, or disapproval?
51 People who have high independent self-esteem pursue their passions, people who pursue their passions enjoy higher levels of self-esteem.
52 People who enjoy a lot of flow, their independent self-esteem will increase as well. Where do you experience flow? Where do you lose yourself? Is it when you read? Is it when you write? Is it your stand in front of the class speaking after school program? When did you experience it in the past? What kind of life do you want to lead? What do you really really want to do?
53 People with high self-esteem put their selves on the line, they cope, they stretch themselves constantly, learning and improving. Touch more people. People who cope over time will enjoy higher level of independent self-esteem.
54 Humble behavior, over time, true honor, internally generated honor will chase me.
55 Behavior can change attitude, it takes time. I act in a humble way, over time it becomes more and more part of who we are. Behavior changing attitude doesn’t happen overnight.
56 When we take the time, that’s when we engage in deliberate reflection, combining reflection and action, or we think about what we do, or we think about what we think. We take our time, this is where the self is autonomous, this is where the independent self-esteem emerges. That’s where we are much less likely to conform, that is we cultivating and expressing our independent core self.
57 Integrity, no lies, be fully integrated, be fully honest, would enhance self-esteem. We pay a high psychological and emotional price whenever we lie. Care about my words.
6 Reflection
所谓的Self-esteem，就是自己对自己的评价和感觉，对自己的认可度。
1.1 Definition
1 The judgment and evaluation about the self.
2 Self-esteem is a personal judgment of worthiness that is expressed in the attitudes individual holds toward himself. It’s about the attitude that I have toward myself. It’s the evaluative part of the self concept.
3 Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness. Two components, the feeling, the experience of competence and the feeling and experience of worthiness.
1.2 The importance of self-esteem
4 Of all the judgments we pass in our lives, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves.
5 The greatest evil that can befall man is that he should come to think ill of himself.
1.3 Benefit of high self-esteem
6 High levels of resilience, dealing with difficulties, be able to deal with anxiety, depression, inevitable hardships that arise.
7 Improve relationship, whether it’s romantic relationship, friends, or family member.
8 Self concept is destiny. Beliefs or self-fulfilling prophecy , if I think of myself, believe in myself, believe that I’m worthy, that I’m capable of a lot, I will much more likely to succeed.
9 How affective we are with others, our intra-personal intelligence and our inter-personal intelligence together making emotional intelligence much higher for people with high levels of self-esteem.
10 And finally, the subtotal happiness, self-esteem is one of the major determinants of happiness.
1.4 Low self-esteem
11 Low self-esteem is associated with anxiety. Self-esteem anxiety is that feeling anxiety for no apparent reason, or going through life generally with a sense of fear, not really clear, not really sure of what.
12 If the self evaluation is low, very often it leads to depression.
13 Psychosomatic symptoms include insomnia, getting sick, because our immune system is lower and so on.
14 The immune system of consciousness.
15 Underlying cause of most emotional and behavioral problems.
2 What self-esteem is… and is not
2.1 What self-esteem is… and is not
16 A person who is narcissist, who is arrogant, doesn’t have high self-esteem. A person who is humble, who doesn’t need constantly show off is usually the person with higher level of self-esteem.
17 Self-esteem is not a product of empty reinforcement. Oh, you are wonderful, you are terrific, you are great – no matter what. That hurts self-esteem in the long term.
18 Self-esteem has to be distinguished from pseudo self-esteem, once again the pretense of self-efficacy and self-respect without the reality.
19 Self-esteem is founded in reality, in actual performance, in actual success, in actual practices.
20 Self-esteem is a product of hard work.
2.2 Six practices to cultivate self-esteem
21 First, integrity. And integrity means a match between what we say and what we do, the little things and the big things, whether it’s “I’ll be there at 5 minutes after 5”, being there at 5 minutes after 5; saying that “I’m going to work out this week”, and actually doing it.
22 Because you see, when we communicate, when we utter words, and we don’t follow up on what we say, what we are essentially communicating to ourselves: what I say is not important, it doesn’t matter. Whereas I maintain high levels of integrity, when I keep my words, when I follow up on what I say, when I under-promise and over-deliver, that’s when I communicate to myself in action. I communicate to myself, “My words matter, I matter.”
23 The practice of self-awareness know thyself.
24 Self-consciousness.
25 Purposefulness, having goals, having self-concordant goals, pursuing them, living a life of purpose, of calling, taking responsibility - remember once again on one is coming. It’s up to you to make something of your lives.
26 The practice of self-acceptance. Permission to be human on a daily basis.
27 And finally, the practice of self-assertiveness: to say no when it’s appropriate, to say yes when that is appropriate, to stand up for what we believe in.
28 These are the practices that over time cultivate self-esteem.
3 Toward a new understanding
3.1 Dependent self-esteem
29 In terms of worthiness, a person who has high dependent self-esteem is other determined. They enjoy and they need the appraisal. My life is constantly affected by what other people think or say, or what I think that they think, or what I think that they mean.
30 People with high self-esteem is primarily motivated by what or other people think and say. I would choose a partner who I think other people would approve of and like. The sense of self contingent on other people, then important decision are made based on other people’s approval or disapproval.
31 The competence of high dependent self-esteem is other determined. I’m asking a mirror to evaluate me, not self-determined.
32 My worthiness comes from an external source. Competence, I compare myself to others.
33 Everyone has some dependent self-esteem. It’s part of human nature. The question is of degree.
3.2 Independent self-esteem
34 In terms of worthiness, I evaluate myself according to my own standards.
35 Competence, not comparison to others but comparison to oneself. Have I improved? Am I better writer today than I was in the past?
3.3 Unconditional self-esteem
36 In terms of worthiness, it’s not contingent by others, it’s not even contingent on my evaluation. I’m confident enough not to be engaged in evaluations.
37 In terms of competence, it’s interdependent. I don’t compare how well I’m doing to others, nor even how well I’m doing relative to myself. I’m in a state of being.
38 I wasn’t always like this. It takes time, it takes work, it takes self-awareness, it takes falling down and getting up, learning to fail then learning from that failure. It takes learning to accept oneself, it takes being open and being vulnerable and making mistakes, it takes being human, fully human.
39 The people with high self-esteem are modest. You don’t have the need to show off. One of my important goal is to be modest. You get to this level of modesty by being authentic, by being real, by going through the process.
40 How can I make the world better place? How can I be a conduit for positive emotions?
4 The importance of being independent
41 First of all, moral behavior, if you think about the worst atrocities throughout history, they were conducted by people conforming, by obedience to authority, and by racist or ethnocentric beliefs and behaviors.
42 People who are independent don’t have the need or have less of that need for comparison, as well as less of that need to conform. They are true to their own principles, which are more likely to follow their heart. And unless their heart is damaged, they will seek to do good, they will seek to help, their levels of empathy will increase.
43 People cultivating independent sense of self, who have a strong self identity are better able to identify with others.
44 Better cognitive performance, you see, people who have a strong dependent self-esteem or are primarily driven by what other people say, will follow the rule that has already been taken. They will, can potentially be great mechanics, because they’ll work hard for these accolade.
45 People who have a stronger sense of independent self-esteem, think outside the box, choose the path that hasn’t already been taken, as well as the path that has been taken. He would choose the one what they really really want to do with their lives.
46 Person with independent self-esteem is committed to continuous learning. They would always ask questions, and want to learn more.
47 Happiness is higher when we experience a sense of independent self-esteem. We are much calmer when we don’t have to prove ourselves to others, when we express rather than constantly try to impress.
48 Being yourself, being differentiated, this is what independent self-esteem is, this is what ultimately interdependence is all about.
5 Enhancing self-esteem
49 People with high independent self-esteem are generally calmer. So independent self-esteem is the attitude, calm is the behavior, which also means that people who behave calmly will increase over time their independent self-esteem. It’s about inducing calm, being centered, being myself. Physical exercise induces calm.
50 What’re your passions? What do you really really want to do with your life? Where do you see yourself 10 years or 20 year from now? What’s really important for you? What’s important for you that you would do regardless of other people’s approval, nodes, accolades or cheering, or disapproval?
51 People who have high independent self-esteem pursue their passions, people who pursue their passions enjoy higher levels of self-esteem.
52 People who enjoy a lot of flow, their independent self-esteem will increase as well. Where do you experience flow? Where do you lose yourself? Is it when you read? Is it when you write? Is it your stand in front of the class speaking after school program? When did you experience it in the past? What kind of life do you want to lead? What do you really really want to do?
53 People with high self-esteem put their selves on the line, they cope, they stretch themselves constantly, learning and improving. Touch more people. People who cope over time will enjoy higher level of independent self-esteem.
54 Humble behavior, over time, true honor, internally generated honor will chase me.
55 Behavior can change attitude, it takes time. I act in a humble way, over time it becomes more and more part of who we are. Behavior changing attitude doesn’t happen overnight.
56 When we take the time, that’s when we engage in deliberate reflection, combining reflection and action, or we think about what we do, or we think about what we think. We take our time, this is where the self is autonomous, this is where the independent self-esteem emerges. That’s where we are much less likely to conform, that is we cultivating and expressing our independent core self.
57 Integrity, no lies, be fully integrated, be fully honest, would enhance self-esteem. We pay a high psychological and emotional price whenever we lie. Care about my words.
6 Reflection
所谓的Self-esteem，就是自己对自己的评价和感觉，对自己的认可度。
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