目录
How to Build the Confidence Habit
Make friends with your failings and limitations
Do what you believe to be right
Keep a record of your achievements
7 Ways To Start To Value Yourself
4. Foster healthy relationships
Becoming More Me Through Meditation
My anxiety is manageable, not curable.
Time for Self-Care is not Selfish.
Meditation Makes Difficult Moments Less Difficult
The Skeptic Became the Sales Pitch
How to Build the Confidence Habit
http://possibilitychange.com/build-confidence/
“If you hear a voice within you say “you cannot paint,” then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh
We are all beset with doubts sometimes. Even the most self-assured and successful people can be unsure of themselves. Some people are clearly more confident than others, though. To what extent this is ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’ is unclear, though I suspect that ‘nurture’ has a lot to do with it. I’ve seen my own confidence wax and wane over the years, and external factors have certainly played a part. Some signs that you might be lacking somewhat in confidence are:
- Thinking that other people are better than you
- Expecting the worst outcome
- Engaging in negative self-talk
- Feeling the need to justify your behavior to others
- Overreacting to criticism
- Not having many friends or avoiding social situations
- Body language that is defensive and closed.
If you have some of these traits, perhaps you need to consider building more confidence. Can this be done? I think it’s clear is that confidence, like most other traits, can be developed. Like a muscle, with training and in time, it can become strong and powerful. To put it another way:confidence is a habit – confidence begets confidence. Here are some training ideas to develop this most important of habits.
Make friends with your failings and limitations
This is a key area. Obviously, you are not perfect – far from it. So long as you are challenging yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone and seeking to develop, you will be making mistakes. The mistakes are signs of growth and nothing to be ashamed of.. Confident people are comfortable in their own skin, happy with themselves in all their imperfection. They have nothing to prove.
Don’t be pushy or aggressive
Confidence can manifest itself in many different ways, and sometimes there is a visibly assertive quality to it, but there is also a quieter and more restrained confidence. When you meet a confident person, you tend to pick up that the person is happy with himself and feelscomfortable in her own skin. Confidence does not mean aggressive, pushy, loud or superior, which is often a sign of over-compensation for some kind of inferiority complex.
Don’t be defensive
Listening to and acting on criticism is an important part of being confident. It is often very hard for us to be objective about ourselves, and other people can give us great insights into our strengths and weaknesses. Of course, we have to be critical about the things that people tell us, not falling into credulity and taking everything they say at face value. But the insights afforded by others can be very valuable. If people laugh at you or attack you, this probably says more about them than about you. Insecure people often try to cover up their feelings of inadequacy by falling into such behaviors.
Do what you believe to be right
Confident people tend to rely on an internal guidance system to keep them going along the right track, whereas those with less confidence can be buffeted around by other people’s opinions and agendas. Having an inner compass is an essential part of living assertively and confidently, and following the compass can sometimes mean having to take risks. But without risk, there is no growth.
Set challenging goals
Confident people tend to live in a more conscious and deliberate way, setting goals for themselves. They are secure enough to tolerate failure, and are comfortable with not getting things right first time. If we are not growing, then we are falling back – there is always movement. As we challenge ourselves, our comfort zone grows, and this growth often involves the pain of failure. This pain is too much for insecure people to bear. But to confident people, failure is only a stepping-stone, not the destination. Success, for confident people, is inevitable. It’s only a matter of time.
Keep a record of your achievements
It is common for people with limited self-confidence to compare themselves unfavorably with others. Such people may assume that others are ‘better’ and have achieved more, so it can be very helpful to make a list of achievements. If you do this, you may find that the list is longer than you thought. Imagine what you would think if this were a list of someone else’s achievements. Would you be impressed? Would you think highly of that person?
Learn to be optimistic
People who lack self-confidence are often pessimistic about the future and tend to think the worst. It’s important to replace negative, self-defeating mental chatter with upbeat, positive self-talk. All day long, thoughts are swirling around inside our head and we need to be conscious about this. Such self awareness isn’t easy, but with some gentle persistence you can become more aware of your thoughts and, when you catch yourself thinking in a negative way, replace the thought with something more positive. Examples of negative thinking are: exaggerating the negative aspects of things, taking things personally, feeling you are being blamed for things or feeling like a victim, to name just a few. Simply being aware of negative thinking modalities can be a great help in overcoming them. When you catch yourself thinking in such negative ways, try to replace the thought with something more self-affirming.
Take a balanced approach
The benefits of confidence are clear but, as with most things, too much of it can be unhealthy. Over-confidence, which can lead to errors of judgment and under-performance, is dangerous and should be guarded against. Confidence is about getting the balance right.
Relax
Confident people are more relaxed, happier and enjoy situations, however challenging, a lot more than those with low self-esteem, trusting that they can deal with whatever problems and challenges might arise. If you fail, if you get it all wrong, it won’t be the end of the world. If you’re tense and worried about how you’re being perceived, your energy is being wasted – it’s not going into the matter at hand. So let go, take the focus of attention off yourself, relax and enjoy the ride.
“Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale
The benefits of being confident are clear: you’ll be happier, more relaxed and probably healthier. You’ll use time more effectively because you won’t be worrying endlessly about other people’s opinions, and you’ll have a clearer sense of purpose, so you’ll be a lot more effective. Confidence, in a sense, is the key to happiness and fulfillment.
“What a fool am I, thus to lie in a stinking dungeon, when I may as well walk at liberty! I have a key in my bosom, called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, open any lock in Doubting Castle.” – John Bunyan
Photo by Andy C
7 Ways To Start To Value Yourself
by Ulenda Myburgh | 17 comments
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the universe, deserve your love and affection” – Buddha
One of the biggest myths we feed into is that setting ourselves as a number one priority is selfish and unkind. Truth is, it is the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and for others. Our loved ones gain when we are in a good space and when we have all our energy at any given moment. People benefit when we are whole and life opens when we are thriving. Yet, we’re so conditioned to believe that things will fall apart and it is not ethical to put the person who lives inside your heart, body, and mind first.
I remember before I met my husband, I started to pull back from some toxic relationships in my life. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of; let myself be taken for granted. They demanded so much but gave so little. My time, my finances, my heartfelt, “I will stretch until I break, as long as you don’t have discomfort.”
When my priorities shifted and I started giving a little more love to me. Not only did it feel amazing, but I had to have this love within me before I could give it freely to someone else. My new found happiness was poorly wished upon. And instead of attempting to fix those relationships, I stood my ground with “I am loveable and worthy” mantras. I focused on the blossoming relationships and let go of the suffocating.
Making yourself a priority enables you to be a better person, not just for yourself, but for the relationships your forge along the way. The choices we make from a more loving space are far more beneficial than the ones we make from a place of guilt, lack and overextending.
Below are seven ways to start to value yourself and make yourself an important person in your life. Besides, everything starts with you.
1. Stop comparing yourself
Comparing ourselves to others is a losing battle. Not only do we look for things we lack, but we find ourselves in the feeling of lack. Unless you have been in their shoes, view life the way they do and gone through their experiences, you are comparing yourself to information that can in no way be accurate. Comparing takes the focus off you and onto that person, yet your power lies in things you can affect in your life. You are a unique being and there is nobody in the world like you.
Start to shift your focus on things that are going right in your life and pay attention to the person looking back in the mirror. He or she has their own unique attributes. Let go of the inner perfectionist and start to appreciate your smile, your talents, what you have to offer. Starting to see your value is the fastest way to shift focus to the right place.
2. Don’t settle
Some people stay in jobs they don’t like just because of the salary. Others settle in relationships that no longer cause their hearts to race. Some of us stay with friends who deplete us because we long for any kind of company. Whatever your settle, it’s not worth the cost. You deserve peace of mind and to be outrageously happy.
If you are constantly saying to yourself, “There has to be something better than this”, you are probably settling. Don’t settle for less. Seek out to find your best.
3. Start appreciating
Appreciate the bed you sleep it. Appreciate your significant other. Appreciate the clothes you have on your back, your car, your food. But mostly, don’t forget to appreciate what you bring into the world. Start to see the joy you bring to others. Give thought to the impact of that joy and its ripple effects. Just because you are not aware, does not mean it has not extended itself further than you can imagine.
The more you appreciate, the more good will flow into your life.
4. Foster healthy relationships
Let go of or at least distance yourself from anything that causes you to feel less than good. Find yourself in the presence of people who bring something significant into your life. Make it a point to have at least two people who feed your spirit, encourage your dreams and accept you for who you are. No alterations. Cultivating strong, nurturing bonds encourages us to remember we are not alone and keeps our hearts open.
5. Learn to say No
While we are here to help one another there will be times we’re tempted to do things at the expense of our own well-being. Sometimes when we give more than we can we don’t allow the other person to learn from or have their own experiences. Continually doing things out of insincere obligation can lead to resentment. Instead, honor yourself by doing what feels right for you.
‘No’ can be liberating, because when we say no to others we are saying “yes” to ourselves and we’re in alignment with our values. Allow yourself to say no once in a while. This practice will improve your self-esteem and create a space for people to value and respect you more.
6. Set healthy boundaries
Having clear boundaries is vital to establishing that relationships are mutually respectful. Believe it or not, but putting “up” boundaries actually creates freedom because when our wishes are clearly defined, there is no need to put up walls. Boundaries reflect our self-esteem and our values. A healthy self-respect will teach others how to treat you.
And when the occasional person attempts to push against your lines, simply keep your feet placed firmly on the ground.
7. Follow your heart
We all have something that makes us come alive and gives our lives meaning. Don’t forget to listen to the part of you that drives your bliss, and be aware of your idol wants and those little things that distract you. Focus on your purpose because dreams never really go away. They simply get postponed.
Our passions can be as little or big as they are, and we can have one or a multitude of them. Listen to the things that are ticking at your heart’s door and find a way to do one thing at a time if you can. You can encourage yourself to do it all and to find a way for life to support you while you do.
Everything in our lives starts with us and ripples into our relationships. So it only makes sense to give yourself as much love, nurturing and joy that you would look for in others, or that others would seek in you. By living the best life we can we inject these ripples to go out with love, beauty, and kindness.
Becoming More Me Through Meditation
by Amy Williams | 11 comments
“The thing about meditation is: You become more and more you.” — David Lynch
The thing about my meditation experience is this: I was terrified of what it meant to become more me. When I agreed at the urging of a very patient therapist to at least attempt to meditate, I was truly afraid of what was underneath the layers of self-preservation I had built up. It was my thirty-fifth birthday and my gift to myself was to commit to anything that might improve my anxiety.
Up to that point, I had tried reading self-help books, running, yoga, and even prescription medication. Like clockwork, though, I could expect an anxiety attack around 2:30PM and again around 8:00PM, times when my mind became less engaged in work and productive thoughts. Scrambling, circular thoughts precipitated the inability to take a deep breath and the combination led to reaching out like a person drowning for any validation I could find from friends and family.
Anxiety had been a part of my life since childhood, but as I watched my thirty-fifth birthday approach, I decided that I was otherwise happy enough and managing my anxiety was the only thing I would change.
Before my first therapy appointment, I committed to trying anything she suggested. “How often do you meditate?” was the first question she asked.
“I don’t” I replied, and she made a note, and advised that I would learn.
I committed to meditating for at least five minutes every day. At the end of my run in the evenings, I walked down to a pond in my neighborhood with nothing more than my cell phone and a pair of ear buds and sat staring at the water listening to a guided meditation and fighting skepticism.
Not every day’s meditation went well. Some days I was able to reach an easy Zen-like state quickly and stay there. Some days I sat and worried that neighbors would think I was some sort of hippy if I stared at the water too long. Somehow, though, five minutes became ten, then fifteen. A daily meditation practice became a twice-daily meditation.
There’s plenty of room for improvement and I’m excited to learn more about meditation, and for the first time, I’m excited to learn more about myself. After six weeks, I’m startled at the changes meditation has had in my life.
My anxiety is manageable, not curable.
Anxiety will always be a part of me, but it doesn’t have to define me. After only six weeks of regular practice, my anxiety attacks are noticeably dwindling. I’m learning to breathe through those moments when troubled thoughts do arise, and some days I look at the clock and realize an entire day has passed without one anxiety attack. I’m not naïve enough to think I’m cured—I don’t believe anxiety has a cure. I am optimistic to think I’ve learned a natural, holistic way to manage anxiety.
I’m still in the honeymoon-phase of meditation, but I can already sense that it has to be a daily practice and not just something I can turn to when I need it. I can feel myself start to slip when I don’t practice with an intention.
Time for Self-Care is not Selfish.
I could have made time for a party I was invited to on a Saturday night, but there was something feeling just a little off. I knew I would be better served by spending some time in solitude and making more time to meditate. I declined the invitation and stayed home, knowing instinctively that I had made the right decision for me, but I had to fight through habitual feelings of guilt. That’s a habit I’m trying to break, and given how much better I felt the next day, I know I made the right decision. It’s not a selfish act to spend time in solitude and to practice self-care.
Meditation Makes Difficult Moments Less Difficult
My doctor was pleasantly surprised to find my blood pressure had significantly improved after six weeks of changing nothing more than adding a twice daily meditation practice. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my relationships, my running regimen, and my career also suddenly felt far less challenging and stressful.
My anxiety was no longer allowed to make decisions either in my relationships or in my career, and subsequently, my stress reduced and my productivity increased. Challenging moments passed without creating an anxiety attack, and I began to operate from a centered place of authenticity instead of responding to every whim of my anxiety.
Anxiety had been making decisions for far too long. I had allowed anxiety to do so because it was easier, I thought, than scraping away the layers of self-doubt and insecurity to do what was right for me. With anxiety lulled into a safe place through meditation, I am making more secure, more confident, and acting on my own behalf.
The Skeptic Became the Sales Pitch
“You should meditate,” I hear myself saying on a daily basis. “Yes, you can, everyone can meditate!” Who is this person? Six weeks ago, I was the one trying to convince a therapist that I couldn’t meditate. Now no one is immune from my sales pitch for meditation. If coworkers complain to me that they can’t get enough sleep, I urge them to meditate. A friend in crisis wants to vent in a telephone call, and I urge her to meditate. I know that by now they’ve seen the change in me and I’m so desperate for others to take the fifteen-minute mental break that will help them that I am a broken record urging all who cross my path to breathe deep and let it go.
I Am Not Afraid of Me
I’ve come to the realization that my anxiety is rooted in the resistance I have built to feeling my feelings. At the first sign of circular thinking and shortness of breath now, I zone in on how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that emotion. I don’t run. I don’t put up a wall. I let it pass over me, I acknowledge the feeling and if I can change it, I do. If I can’t change the circumstances of the emotion, I let myself feel it.
I was terrified of meditation when I started because I didn’t want to know what was under the protective layers of emotional scar tissue I had created to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions. There are still difficult days when I realize that there’s an ugly bruise of emotion that I failed to properly address when it was happening. But I’m not afraid. This is me. I am a collaboration of every memory, moment and emotion that has already happened. I’m not yet quite fearless, but I am no longer afraid to sit with myself, allow an emotion, and dive into the messy, wondrous beauty of my own mind.
This is my journey at six weeks. Where are you in your journey and what unexpected epiphanies await?
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