托福作文120-24

5:22

People normally hold that university education is a stepper stone of good jobs and perfect future, which is not actually the reality of many graduates even master graduates.

用with

A university education has traditionally been seen as a stepping stone to good job and comfortable future, but this is not the reality for many graduates, even those with a master degree.

 

Many graduates are out of work, while others who luckily find jobs are struggling to adapt the requirements of their workplaces.

Fortunately enough 足够幸运

Join the workforce 找到工作

Demand 要求

Many graduates are unemployed and those fortunately enough to join the workforce struggle to adapt to the demands of the workplace.

 

From my perspective, university and other educational institutions ought to provide more supports for students in the preparation of job hunting and the transition from school to work.

注意这里就是拆成两个动词的写法

In my opinion, universities and colleges need to offer more support to prepare students for the world of work and help the transition from education to work.

13:53 4错误

The odds of students’ job finding success can increase when they are helped to prepare well.

就业 securing employment

提升前景 enhance their prospects of

Preparing students for the workplace will enhance their prospects of securing employment in the future.

Many graduates lack the essential skills like communication and critical thinking when they graduate.

Many graduates, fresh out of university, lack essential skills which the employers are looking for, such as interpersonal and critical thinking skills.

 

They may also do not do well in interviewing.

Be good at 擅长

Give interviews 面试

Graduates are also not very good at giving successful interviews.

Join the workforce// The workplace// Securing employment// In the job market

The world of work// look for work

These drawbacks constrain their chances of finding jobs in work world enormously.

Such shortcomings can severely restrict their opportunities in the job market.

So, if education institutions extend their responsibilities from imparting knowledge to cultivate students' job-related capacities, students would be in a more positive position in the future.

虚拟语气

扩展范围extend … scope beyond

就是写小短句

好far better

Considering this, if educational establishments were to extend their scope beyond imparting knowledge and teach more “employability” and soft skills, students would be in a far better position in the future.

 

My own experience can be an example to valid the necessity of assistant from university about jobs to students.

注意用as 链接

I offer my own experiences as evidence of the necessity of universities preparing students for life, after university.

 

As a senior student, I selected some courses related to the transition from class to work.

这种写法 多用一个词

Participate in 参与

Designed to 表目的

Help … do+ make … 形容词

The world of work 替换work 凑字数

用一些简单的 (“小结构”) 凑字数 make …

As a senior student, I participated in some courses designed to help students make the transition from the classroom to the world of work more manageable.

In these courses, I began to realize the significant of social network and mastered the skills of mastering the resume to a specific job.

注意这里规整的并列结构

The importance和the relevance

Customize 适应

Match … 使匹配

I was taught the importance of social networking and the relevance of customizing a resume to match the specific requirements of each job applied for.

What's more, I learnt how to make a better appearance when interviewing and received suggestions on how to use professional and confident manner to communicate.

Show 替换teach

Improve 替换enhance

这里 小并列就不错

注意conduct的用法

Conduct researches

Conduct oneself

When conversing with others 就很好的凑字数

I was also shown ways to improve my appearance and advised on how to conduct myself in a professional and confident manner when conversing with others.

I believe aids like these would surely benefits to students like me.

注意beneficial后面+for

My peers \\ Peer assessment

I believe similar support will prove very beneficial for my peers.

15:02 3错误

Apart from aiding students have better preparation for the world of work, the courses in university designed to equip students with workplace skills are beneficial for the graduate in adapting the reality in work and having better performance in work.

In addition to 凑字数

找工作look for work

Teaching替换courses

Employable skills 职业技能
现实 the realities of

In one jobs 替换 the workplace

适应customize替换adjust to

小并列adjust 和 perform

In addition to preparing students to look for work, the teaching of employable skills in universities will help graduates adjust to the realities of the workplace and perform better in their jobs.

Academic field is totally different from its work counterparts.

这个写法有点巧

The academic world and world of work are very different.

 

Campus life is relatively relaxing and interesting usually regarded as "best years in life" notwithstanding, the world of work is complex filled with challenge and uncertainty, which may trouble the students who find themselves hard to deal with.
凑字数

Life in university campuses

生动的小名词 carefree, fun

Commonly替换traditionally

凑字数 referred to 被认为

凑字数 the best years of a student‘ life

The working world 替换the world of work

难的先用complicated

Challenges and uncertainties 注意复数

Whilst life in university campuses is relatively carefree and fun, commonly referred to as the "best years" of a students’ life, the working world is complicated full of challenges and uncertainties, which students may find difficult to handle.

 

Considering this, students may very likely experience a mournful failure in the world of work without the appropriate supports and guides offered by the universities.

注意指导 guidance

注意变换句式 there is a real possibilities that 同时凑字数
习语 fall by the wayside半途而废

So, there is a real possibility that students may fall by the wayside without support and guidance offered by universities.

 

For instance, a student, majored in accounting, even having spent numerous hours in class dealing with analyzing data, may still find difficult to handle with accounting problems in real world.

注意会计写法accountancy

约束 restrict替换 in the confines of a classroom 凑字数

注意learn teach show 课堂要做的

Write accounts and interpret numbers 是 accountancy 要做的

Find it … 这里要形式宾语

现实场景 in a real life situation

Accountancy 要处理financial matters

For example, an accountancy student who has spent hours in the confines of a classroom learning to write accounts and interpret numbers, can still find it difficult to deal with financial matters in a real-life situation.

From this perspective, more internship opportunities ought to be offered by the university to the students.

In this regard 替换 considering this

注意用类似their 的词替换the

In this regard, universities need to offer more internship opportunities to their students.

 

These chances would provide students majoring in accounting an opportunity to learn their profession, simulate students to use their knowledge in a real-world problem, and more importantly, gain the work experience in the real world.

Will 替换can

Give 替换offer

Accounting major students 替换accountancy students

Field 替换major

Learn about 凑字数

注意这种写法allow 产生可能

Assign each group a group leader 分配的意思

运用知识apply knowledge to, apply … to

A real scenario 替换in the real work 替换in a real-world problem

凑字数experience of working

获得经验 get experience

Internships will give accounting majors students an opportunity to learn about their field and allow them to apply their knowledge to a real scenario, but more importantly, get experience of working in the real world.

4:49

Thus, from my perspective, more support and guidance need to be offered by universities and colleges to help students get better preparation, master the essential employable skills, improve overall competition capacity and thus, adapt the environment in the world of work and gradually establish a path to be successful before looking for a job.

Prepare them for

Equip them with小词小并列

Working life 替换the working world替换company environment

Skills and attributes 凑字数

Fit into 替换 adapt to替换 customize

形成一条路forge a career path 加入这种无关紧要的词 凑字数

Therefore, I believe that universities and colleges need to offer more support to prepare students for working life and equip them with the skills and attributes to fit into the company environment more easily and forge a successful career path.